We'll stand together until the very end

today i woke up really down on myself. I dont think im obsessing over the whole TW thing, in fact im handling it quite well, better than i ever have with any guy situation. I think its normal to still be hurt within a week of it happening. Im not too worried about it because usually the time i am with a guy, if he dumps me, im usually over him in half the time i was with him. SO i was only with TW for a month so ill be over it in two weeks. One more week to go!
Anyways, i stole two things today. I feel kinda guilty about it. I was bummed out because after doing the second pickpocket i realized i wasnt doing the day to the best of my ability. What a downer on myself it was. But i bounced back up and had an amazing day at work again. Third day in a row since i have been trying to truly change and it feels good. I am going to work excited to be there instead of being all puss about it. Its to a point where i dont want to leave work, like at all. I dont know as much as i get paid only 8.60 an hour which is jack shit, i like what i do. I like working in retail.
I just wish i got a better salary or something because i feel for the work i do, i should be getting alot more. I mean come on its only been two days of doing good at work and im already expecting more. Typical addict. Just like i dont lie to my mom once and i expect to be trusted even though im about to lie again. Its funny how fucked up our minds work, theyre like a thing of their own, and its pretty intense sometimes.
I am learning through prayer today that its when i can be most honest. When you cant find honesty in anything you say or do, in prayer you can always honest. Because youre praying to a higher power that you know is forgiving and loving no matter what you say or do. Well that is for my god anyways. I do believe at the same time though that when your only praying for a relief of your consciuous god doesnt listen to that bullshit. only when u speak from the heart and in honesty are your prayers answered.

...

i just came home from babysitting and im really down on myself, AGAIN. Im just sick of na and really want to give them a piece of my mind. i think this whole TW thing fucked me over more than im playing it out to be. I might be in relapse mode and i dont even know. sometimes i am totally in it and sometimes i manage to pull myself together, by gods grace. like in my summer classes at bergen all i have to do is tell my friend JQ to come get me and i can use. i could call him right now to pick me up and he would. i just wish i had a car its bothering me ALOT. its been eight months. i wish i could go to a fucking meeting whereever i want right now. then i wont have to pretend to like certain people and be fake with them just so they can give me rides. I miss real people, i miss being able to have deep conversations about life with real people and being able to smoke a blunt and chill.
God damn it i need MH right now. i dont know what i am doing right now without her. im going insane right now. im so fucked up. my head is fucked. i just have to make it through the night right now and ill be fine. I just need to make it til tomorrow morning at 915 am where grace will be picking me up and taking me to a meeting and everything will be okay. but what the fuck will a meeting do anyways?! its all backstabbing high school drama and bullshit all over again. everyone is fake and has the word fucking asshole across their forehead and its too much. I am having really bad anxiety and i havent even had anxiety in a while.
Maybe im doing it again, being paranoid, thinking everyone is fucked up and out to get me and each other but isnt that how life always is? dont we not look for anything other than our own wellbeing? i mean we re fucking addicts, at the end of the day it doesnt matter shit what weve done cuz we only truly care about ourselves and our wellbeing. i dont know this shit spot better go away or im going to go crazy. Im going to take my sleeping meds now, smoke a cigarette, and not stay up cuz it might seriously kill me right now.

Cant never count me out, ya'll better count me in...

After last night ive just been different. I went to high focus alumni night and i truly got something out of it. I shared my opinion about how important the program is for me. I shared my experience strength and hope for others in the the room. Whether or not everyone got something out of it, it didnt matter for me. i got something out of it. I spoke from the heart and it felt good to do that.
i woke up this morning wanting to be the best that i can be and so far today i have done that. I am proud of myself. As much as i am hurt by the whole thing with TW it has only made me stronger and more confident. I know what i have to offer others today, and they can take it or leave it. But most importantly i will always have what i have to offer. i am who i am and even thought im still getting to know me i like me so far.
After what i did on monday night, i didnt feel good about myself. When i was using i would of been proud but today doing malicious things dont make me feel good about myself, especially when im using my body. I want to be respected today not look at as a piece of ass. only in time, as long as i continue to stay clean, pray, and work on myself will i be able to respect myself and be respected.
i am starting to find out the things that i like doing. I am so excited my life is slowly but surely moving forward and that im growing. I have found that i have an interest in religion and my passion for history is coming back. I just cant wait to be at that point in my life where i know what im doing and where its going. I cant wait for the things God has to give me in the future. I can only pray and be grateful today for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come.
I also spoke with my sponsor for ten minutes today what a record. i told her everything from how im feeling to what i did on monday. Getting honest with myself and others is truly the first step i need to take in my recovery. its what i struggle with the most, but i know eventually i will be confident with myself and wont need to hide who i am and do what i want through lies.
I saw TW tonight at my friend CS's house. he didnt say a word to me. honestly im so hurt by it. i honestly put some of my feelings out there and just like that in one second it was all shattered for me. I ask god to give me the strength each and everyday since he ended it with me on sunday to get through these feelings. i know time takes time, and with that ill eventually be okay. I just cant hide behind my feelings anymore i need to face them. i just cant pick up no matter what and everything will be okay. Once i do that, all bets are off and there will be no hope for me. I dont know im struggling deep inside but i will be okay.
thank you god for everything you have given me and the things in my life you have for me in the future.

We all get burned, those who survive are the ones that learn..

So i havent journalled or blogged in so long. I guess alot has happened, not really though. Me and TW just broke up on Sunday and im kinda really hurt by it. I just didnt think it would happen right now. Everything was going really good, and im so grateful i kept my distance but i did put myself out there to an extent, and i was hurt. I am forced to sit with my feelings now and it freaking sucks. I hate it to be honest. I just know that if i can survive this clean i can do anything. One of my biggest triggers for relapse is relationships. So why do i continuously do this to myself? I dont really know. I need to start learning from my mistakes instead of saying i dont care and repeating them consistently.
Today i tell myself i am okay. But i really am okay today. My worst day clean still does not compare to my best day using and if i keep that in perspective i can continue to work through this addiction. I believe i have 66 days or so today and it is such a miracle. i am just looking forward to the day i can write my name and number for with those who have 90 days clean or more for the newcomer. I cant wait to start working my steps. i cant wait for the day that i could speak on my experience strength and hope with others that struggle just as i do. I cant wait to be able to commitments to help others. I cant wait to help others.