After last night ive just been different. I went to high focus alumni night and i truly got something out of it. I shared my opinion about how important the program is for me. I shared my experience strength and hope for others in the the room. Whether or not everyone got something out of it, it didnt matter for me. i got something out of it. I spoke from the heart and it felt good to do that.
i woke up this morning wanting to be the best that i can be and so far today i have done that. I am proud of myself. As much as i am hurt by the whole thing with TW it has only made me stronger and more confident. I know what i have to offer others today, and they can take it or leave it. But most importantly i will always have what i have to offer. i am who i am and even thought im still getting to know me i like me so far.
After what i did on monday night, i didnt feel good about myself. When i was using i would of been proud but today doing malicious things dont make me feel good about myself, especially when im using my body. I want to be respected today not look at as a piece of ass. only in time, as long as i continue to stay clean, pray, and work on myself will i be able to respect myself and be respected.
i am starting to find out the things that i like doing. I am so excited my life is slowly but surely moving forward and that im growing. I have found that i have an interest in religion and my passion for history is coming back. I just cant wait to be at that point in my life where i know what im doing and where its going. I cant wait for the things God has to give me in the future. I can only pray and be grateful today for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come.
I also spoke with my sponsor for ten minutes today what a record. i told her everything from how im feeling to what i did on monday. Getting honest with myself and others is truly the first step i need to take in my recovery. its what i struggle with the most, but i know eventually i will be confident with myself and wont need to hide who i am and do what i want through lies.
I saw TW tonight at my friend CS's house. he didnt say a word to me. honestly im so hurt by it. i honestly put some of my feelings out there and just like that in one second it was all shattered for me. I ask god to give me the strength each and everyday since he ended it with me on sunday to get through these feelings. i know time takes time, and with that ill eventually be okay. I just cant hide behind my feelings anymore i need to face them. i just cant pick up no matter what and everything will be okay. Once i do that, all bets are off and there will be no hope for me. I dont know im struggling deep inside but i will be okay.
thank you god for everything you have given me and the things in my life you have for me in the future.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment