So i havent journalled or blogged in so long. I guess alot has happened, not really though. Me and TW just broke up on Sunday and im kinda really hurt by it. I just didnt think it would happen right now. Everything was going really good, and im so grateful i kept my distance but i did put myself out there to an extent, and i was hurt. I am forced to sit with my feelings now and it freaking sucks. I hate it to be honest. I just know that if i can survive this clean i can do anything. One of my biggest triggers for relapse is relationships. So why do i continuously do this to myself? I dont really know. I need to start learning from my mistakes instead of saying i dont care and repeating them consistently.
Today i tell myself i am okay. But i really am okay today. My worst day clean still does not compare to my best day using and if i keep that in perspective i can continue to work through this addiction. I believe i have 66 days or so today and it is such a miracle. i am just looking forward to the day i can write my name and number for with those who have 90 days clean or more for the newcomer. I cant wait to start working my steps. i cant wait for the day that i could speak on my experience strength and hope with others that struggle just as i do. I cant wait to be able to commitments to help others. I cant wait to help others.
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