today i woke up really down on myself. I dont think im obsessing over the whole TW thing, in fact im handling it quite well, better than i ever have with any guy situation. I think its normal to still be hurt within a week of it happening. Im not too worried about it because usually the time i am with a guy, if he dumps me, im usually over him in half the time i was with him. SO i was only with TW for a month so ill be over it in two weeks. One more week to go!
Anyways, i stole two things today. I feel kinda guilty about it. I was bummed out because after doing the second pickpocket i realized i wasnt doing the day to the best of my ability. What a downer on myself it was. But i bounced back up and had an amazing day at work again. Third day in a row since i have been trying to truly change and it feels good. I am going to work excited to be there instead of being all puss about it. Its to a point where i dont want to leave work, like at all. I dont know as much as i get paid only 8.60 an hour which is jack shit, i like what i do. I like working in retail.
I just wish i got a better salary or something because i feel for the work i do, i should be getting alot more. I mean come on its only been two days of doing good at work and im already expecting more. Typical addict. Just like i dont lie to my mom once and i expect to be trusted even though im about to lie again. Its funny how fucked up our minds work, theyre like a thing of their own, and its pretty intense sometimes.
I am learning through prayer today that its when i can be most honest. When you cant find honesty in anything you say or do, in prayer you can always honest. Because youre praying to a higher power that you know is forgiving and loving no matter what you say or do. Well that is for my god anyways. I do believe at the same time though that when your only praying for a relief of your consciuous god doesnt listen to that bullshit. only when u speak from the heart and in honesty are your prayers answered.
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i just came home from babysitting and im really down on myself, AGAIN. Im just sick of na and really want to give them a piece of my mind. i think this whole TW thing fucked me over more than im playing it out to be. I might be in relapse mode and i dont even know. sometimes i am totally in it and sometimes i manage to pull myself together, by gods grace. like in my summer classes at bergen all i have to do is tell my friend JQ to come get me and i can use. i could call him right now to pick me up and he would. i just wish i had a car its bothering me ALOT. its been eight months. i wish i could go to a fucking meeting whereever i want right now. then i wont have to pretend to like certain people and be fake with them just so they can give me rides. I miss real people, i miss being able to have deep conversations about life with real people and being able to smoke a blunt and chill.
God damn it i need MH right now. i dont know what i am doing right now without her. im going insane right now. im so fucked up. my head is fucked. i just have to make it through the night right now and ill be fine. I just need to make it til tomorrow morning at 915 am where grace will be picking me up and taking me to a meeting and everything will be okay. but what the fuck will a meeting do anyways?! its all backstabbing high school drama and bullshit all over again. everyone is fake and has the word fucking asshole across their forehead and its too much. I am having really bad anxiety and i havent even had anxiety in a while.
Maybe im doing it again, being paranoid, thinking everyone is fucked up and out to get me and each other but isnt that how life always is? dont we not look for anything other than our own wellbeing? i mean we re fucking addicts, at the end of the day it doesnt matter shit what weve done cuz we only truly care about ourselves and our wellbeing. i dont know this shit spot better go away or im going to go crazy. Im going to take my sleeping meds now, smoke a cigarette, and not stay up cuz it might seriously kill me right now.
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i was with you in seabrook, remember you are worth it sarah.
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