9-9-10

Today is a strange day, and its not just the weather- its me. I'm like really tired and depressed cuz I'm really sick and it sucks. I might have a throat infection or probably even something worse. I guess that's what you get for being 20 years old and smoking almost a pack a day for six freaking years. My immune system sucks from the things I did in my past and everytime I get sick it lasts for weeks and I hate it. I just want the sun to come out and its warmth to make me feel better.
Since yesterday I have been thinking a lot about my life. It was the first day of school and it brought me to realize a bunch of things. First is that I sneak and lie too much. Second is that I have too many expectations. And third, I need a better job and to start caring about my future.
All my life I have only wished for one thing- to have internal and sincere happiness. I want to obtain that happiness from nothing in life except for the fact that I am alive and breathing. I know I can't always be happy and there will be times where I'm sad and angry but I want to be okay even when I'm going through those emotions. I know today I am not happy because I am so guilty from lying, sneaking, and even from stealing. It doesn't make me feel good about mayself. I know I have to do esteemable things to build my self esteem and hopeful I will start doing that AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Its so hard for me to change I struggle with that the most but I need to start growing up if I expect to move forward and have a future.
I'm glad that school has started for me, it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere FOR ONCE. But at the same time I am feeling a lot of shame from being out of school for a year and a half. I know though I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in life and I can only move from there.