I heard it said over and over again since i came into the program that my drug addiction, this disease, is physical, mental, and most importantly spiritual. My disease corrupted those three aspects of my life. The mental and spiritual really got to me.
I was at a point where I thought i was insane, i mean i still am insane. But i was bad. I was convinced of all kinds of crazy things. I was being such an analytical thinker coming up with these theories on god to the world ending that it was driving me nuts. I was asking all the questions that there are no answers to and i believed i could figure them out. I was so torn up mentally that i didnt want to be a part of society anymore. i thought it to be controlled, not real, with no free will. As if we were all programmed to ignore and be blinded to life, its true meaning. and be set out to do what we were brainwashed as children. To go to school and college, get a career and married, to have a house and a family, and then die. And knowing that everyone's dream in the world is to have exactly those things, i couldnt have that. Yeah we might want a different car than the next person or choose to not get married and have kids, but even so, our choices are limited. I was so convinced i could and would break away from society, that i quit my job and even planned on dwelling in some forest, living off whatever nature could give me.
I have learned today to accept that i need to be a part of society to exist on this planet. I do hate the fast pace that technology is leading our lives, trying to race against speed and time and communication. I am totally hypocritical though because i am obsessed with my blackberry and rushing to get things done to move to the next. I dont know i just know that i was super crazy when i was using and im still a little crazy today, but i can live with that. Its an improvement.
One thing that i do know that really affected my life was the spiritual deprivation from my disease. I was numb, i was cold. I didnt believe in anyone or anything but my drugs. I couldnt even believe myself. All i did was half ass everything, trying to go around pleasing everybody while still trying to sneak the things i wanted. It was a mess. I was completely self centered, always trying to benefit myself and my ego. Whether it was through sexual relationships, gaining sympathy, or any kind of attention. I could never have enough. I was saying and doing things i never thought id do. My actions never followed my tongue. I couldnt even take responsibilty for my actions. I could accept that it was me who failed out of school myself, that i chose to do drugs, that i had gotten pregnant. Because just putting the blame on me in those few examples alone would of meant that i had a problem. That my addiciton was surrounding me with chaos that i couldnt accept responsibility for. I didnt want to accept it, becuase i knew it would of meant the end of my drug use.
It got to a point where i had to be fucked up all the time. Nothing mattered but chasing that next high before the other one subsided. I could not face reality and what my using what taking away from me. It robbed me of my friends, family, and puppy. I lost the ability to love and care sincerely for others around me. Most importantly i lost myself. I had lost the ability to laugh and smile because my life was nothing joyous anymore. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to die. I didnt think i could ever go anywhere in life, and that i would just do drugs until i die because thats what i was put on this earth to do. Well i believed that at the end of my using. Nothing could go right, because the things i had wanted were impossible, selfish, and immoral, and my high power would not give them to me. I hate him for that, i hated him when i was using.
I am clean today for i believe 40 days and its definitely nothing to brag about, but its something im proud of. Even though my life is still unmanageable, its so much more manageable than it was before. Im at a point where my life is just on a pink cloud. Well not exactly my life, just me. Yeah when i was using, the highs were awesome, they were great, dont get me wrong. But the amount of suffering and harm it caused me and the people around me was pure insanity. i am an addict, it is my wanting each and every single day to get high, and i have heard that i will suffer with that for the rest of my life. if it were by my willpower i would be waking up to a line of coke, maintaining wired all day, and going to bed with my herioin. That is why in the program you are taught to turn your life and will over to your higher power. so glad i am free from the chains that bound me to those drugs today. I am free from the obsession of using and now its just a choice. I have a choice each and every day to pick up a drug and so far i have chosen not to. I have no reason to. Not for anger, happiness, or sadness. I know today that once i pick up a drug again, all bets are off and i will be back to the races and do i want to have to piss another 6 years away again? absolutely not. I dont think i would make it out alive.