I broke down crying today. Its so wierd. For the last week or so i have been convincing myself im okay and trying to stay centered no matter whats going on. I just feel like im masking whats really going on with me inside. i know i cant use or anything because i have so much to lose. But at the same time i feel like i am so confused because i dont know who i am and i never know how im truly feeling about anything thats going on around me. Things are happening and im convincing myself im okay when im not.
I pulled the same bullshit when i was using. I was getting molested, getting in bad situations, getting taken advantage of and i would convince myself i was okay and that i could handle it. Those things werent okay, i know that today.And now im going through each day living the normal life, a clean life, and sometimes things dont always work out and yeah i should not overanalyze or be overdramatic but i should also be able to sit with my feelings above everything. What is it that i hate about myself so much that i cant be alone?
i dont know i might as well spill everything thats bothering me. I hate the fact that my sister is gone and im not missing her. I dont even care if she didnt come back, which is so evil on my part. Im so annoyed that my mom doesnt appreciate what she has and has to complain about everything. Im pissed off that i cried and made this huge thing, even talking to TW about RK being missing, and RK doesnt even give a fuck about me. He doesnt give a rats ass, he has no emotion whatsoever. Im mad at myself because i kinda am ruining things with TW now too. Im overanalyzing and taking myself way too seriously. But at the same time why shouldnt i take myself seriously? Thats what im struggling with.Im trying to find the medium between being promiscuous and self respect. Im trying to find the medium between independence and dependence. Im trying to find the medium between self control and letting loose. I always go from one extreme to the next and im never in the middle of it and it fucking sucks.
Like with the TW thing, im either all in it some days and other days i want to tell him to go fuck himself. And its for no apparent reason. I can also be really down for just having fun and enjoying his company but then i get so serious and debby down on everything. Some days im truly having feelings from him but then other days im legit just trying to fill a void. Like he said good night in the car and he would text me tomorrow but i want him to text me now. Because i cant even sit with myself and write about how im feeling. Then i want a boyfriend but i want to be able to talk to whom i want when i want. I mean how many more mixed signals could one guy take?!
I just really feel like i need to let go of the things that have happened and yeah i didnt sit with my feelings over them, but i need to start fresh. Like tomorrow is a new day, thank god, and im just going to start fresh with myself and from now on truly think, without overthinking, and sit with my feelings, without obsessing. Cuz just like with using, once i start overthinking and analyzing shit, all bets are off and im off to the races freaking out and making shit worse. Today was a good start though, i called my sponsor and actually cried to her about what i was feeling.
i think too much and get get all confused and hung-up running from thought to thought. It's because my fears are getting the best of me, and i dont want to mess up. But there comes a point where i need to stop worrying and start living- living in the moment, the here and now.
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