Thoughts are constantly running through my head. Some are good, some are bad, but overall my thoughts drive me crazy. I am constantly told in the program I don't have to act on my thoughts and feelings but I do them anyways. I know today that there are consequences for every action one will take. Even if it doesn't come right away, it will. That's why when you take bad action, u will suffer in time. When one takes good action, you will eventually be rewarded.
Yesterdays service in church was about having patience for your rewards in life to come. My pastor said that god listens to every one of our sincere prayers and just because he won't give us the things we want in life in our time, doesn't mean we're not going to get it. It all revolves around his time, life on life's terms, on god's terms, not ours.

9-13-10

Okay so ira 1030 am and its already a good day. I feel independent and free and on my own. I woke up, took the bus myself without complaining to anybody, and actually made it to school early.it just so happens that I walk into my 930 math class and who else but my friend E and JK from narcotics anonymous come into my class! I just finished talking to JK and we re both free from classes from 1045 to 145 and we re going to hit up the noon meeting together. Everything just happens to be falling into place. Oh and E said he will start driving me to school so I don't have to take the bus anymore. I just feel that I keep doing the right thing and god is blessing me more and more.
I talked to my old best friend BM last night and I'm back in touch w my friend LB, and its such a relief. Like I love having na and people that get my emotional aspect of life but it feels so good, to be back w some people that know me from before, during, and after my using, and whom I can still connect to on an spiritual and physical level. Not sexually I'm talking about, but in living a similar life to what I have at home.
Like I just feel that my friends from na don't have boundaries. I know they're working on themselves still and I fit in with them spritually, but they don't understand me when I get really deep into things. Like w my old friends I could talk to them for hours about life and crazy shit, and with my na friends I haven't been able to have that spiritual connection w them only emotionally they get me, but that's it. And its a shame but its life.
The thing I hate about na is that god forbid I talk to someone that uses. I hate that, people that are considered normal are just as much a person as us. They have feelings just like us and go theough shit, and they live a life not surrounding themselves with drugs, cuz they don't obsess about them. I don't know after hanging out w LB, I realized so much and I don't have resentments to 'normal people' anymore. I actually am able to associate w them again. I'm not isolating and its cool. I'm opening up to my family more thanks to LB and I'm happier.

9-9-10

Today is a strange day, and its not just the weather- its me. I'm like really tired and depressed cuz I'm really sick and it sucks. I might have a throat infection or probably even something worse. I guess that's what you get for being 20 years old and smoking almost a pack a day for six freaking years. My immune system sucks from the things I did in my past and everytime I get sick it lasts for weeks and I hate it. I just want the sun to come out and its warmth to make me feel better.
Since yesterday I have been thinking a lot about my life. It was the first day of school and it brought me to realize a bunch of things. First is that I sneak and lie too much. Second is that I have too many expectations. And third, I need a better job and to start caring about my future.
All my life I have only wished for one thing- to have internal and sincere happiness. I want to obtain that happiness from nothing in life except for the fact that I am alive and breathing. I know I can't always be happy and there will be times where I'm sad and angry but I want to be okay even when I'm going through those emotions. I know today I am not happy because I am so guilty from lying, sneaking, and even from stealing. It doesn't make me feel good about mayself. I know I have to do esteemable things to build my self esteem and hopeful I will start doing that AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Its so hard for me to change I struggle with that the most but I need to start growing up if I expect to move forward and have a future.
I'm glad that school has started for me, it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere FOR ONCE. But at the same time I am feeling a lot of shame from being out of school for a year and a half. I know though I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in life and I can only move from there.

I heard it said over and over again since i came into the program that my drug addiction, this disease, is physical, mental, and most importantly spiritual. My disease corrupted those three aspects of my life. The mental and spiritual really got to me.
I was at a point where I thought i was insane, i mean i still am insane. But i was bad. I was convinced of all kinds of crazy things. I was being such an analytical thinker coming up with these theories on god to the world ending that it was driving me nuts. I was asking all the questions that there are no answers to and i believed i could figure them out. I was so torn up mentally that i didnt want to be a part of society anymore. i thought it to be controlled, not real, with no free will. As if we were all programmed to ignore and be blinded to life, its true meaning. and be set out to do what we were brainwashed as children. To go to school and college, get a career and married, to have a house and a family, and then die. And knowing that everyone's dream in the world is to have exactly those things, i couldnt have that. Yeah we might want a different car than the next person or choose to not get married and have kids, but even so, our choices are limited. I was so convinced i could and would break away from society, that i quit my job and even planned on dwelling in some forest, living off whatever nature could give me.
I have learned today to accept that i need to be a part of society to exist on this planet. I do hate the fast pace that technology is leading our lives, trying to race against speed and time and communication. I am totally hypocritical though because i am obsessed with my blackberry and rushing to get things done to move to the next. I dont know i just know that i was super crazy when i was using and im still a little crazy today, but i can live with that. Its an improvement.
One thing that i do know that really affected my life was the spiritual deprivation from my disease. I was numb, i was cold. I didnt believe in anyone or anything but my drugs. I couldnt even believe myself. All i did was half ass everything, trying to go around pleasing everybody while still trying to sneak the things i wanted. It was a mess. I was completely self centered, always trying to benefit myself and my ego. Whether it was through sexual relationships, gaining sympathy, or any kind of attention. I could never have enough. I was saying and doing things i never thought id do. My actions never followed my tongue. I couldnt even take responsibilty for my actions. I could accept that it was me who failed out of school myself, that i chose to do drugs, that i had gotten pregnant. Because just putting the blame on me in those few examples alone would of meant that i had a problem. That my addiciton was surrounding me with chaos that i couldnt accept responsibility for. I didnt want to accept it, becuase i knew it would of meant the end of my drug use.
It got to a point where i had to be fucked up all the time. Nothing mattered but chasing that next high before the other one subsided. I could not face reality and what my using what taking away from me. It robbed me of my friends, family, and puppy. I lost the ability to love and care sincerely for others around me. Most importantly i lost myself. I had lost the ability to laugh and smile because my life was nothing joyous anymore. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to die. I didnt think i could ever go anywhere in life, and that i would just do drugs until i die because thats what i was put on this earth to do. Well i believed that at the end of my using. Nothing could go right, because the things i had wanted were impossible, selfish, and immoral, and my high power would not give them to me. I hate him for that, i hated him when i was using.
I am clean today for i believe 40 days and its definitely nothing to brag about, but its something im proud of. Even though my life is still unmanageable, its so much more manageable than it was before. Im at a point where my life is just on a pink cloud. Well not exactly my life, just me. Yeah when i was using, the highs were awesome, they were great, dont get me wrong. But the amount of suffering and harm it caused me and the people around me was pure insanity. i am an addict, it is my wanting each and every single day to get high, and i have heard that i will suffer with that for the rest of my life. if it were by my willpower i would be waking up to a line of coke, maintaining wired all day, and going to bed with my herioin. That is why in the program you are taught to turn your life and will over to your higher power. so glad i am free from the chains that bound me to those drugs today. I am free from the obsession of using and now its just a choice. I have a choice each and every day to pick up a drug and so far i have chosen not to. I have no reason to. Not for anger, happiness, or sadness. I know today that once i pick up a drug again, all bets are off and i will be back to the races and do i want to have to piss another 6 years away again? absolutely not. I dont think i would make it out alive.

Uh one thing ’bout music: when it hits, you feel no pain.

Okay so i dont know how im feeling right about now. Im honestly like numb to everything and everyone. Music saved my life tonight and kept me sane but thats all i know. Hopefully ill have my feelings back tomorrow. Fuck my life, im working tomorrow too. Ugh Have a good night.

It's such a waste to be wasted in the first place.

before ever using i knew it was bad without being told. BUt once i started i never stopped. the reality of what i was doing to myself just disappeared and it was all about the feeling i was getting from being high or drunk. i was numb and thats all i wanted.
i couldnt stop because i was at a point i didnt want to. i had drowned myself too deep in my drug life that whenever i didnt drink or use i had no reality to face because it was gone, i had destroyed it all. i couldnt face what i had done to myself and that was my motivation to keep using.
to just keep numbing the pain and not facing the fact that i lost my family, my dreams, my ambitions, my higher power, everything that was important to me. But i found the program through fear of death. i was at a point where i wanted to die but i could never bring myself to do it because i couldnt face what god would do to me.
But the freaking program saved my ass it really did. i learned to freaking live again. and todasy its alot different. i get to work on the things in my life i dont have. i have ambitions. i was just at church tnoight and my pastor asked us what we believe is the meaning of our reaking lives and why are we re freaking here, i mean it has to be for a reason.
i think we are all just strong people to be able to go another fricking day clean. and we can help others through the program the way we were helped off the ground
i lost everything i ever had a i have to start from the bottom now. from a crappy college to a garbage car but im happy and frateful my higher power is giving me anything. But today i know i really am starting to deserve things. i try to pray as often as i can to go this prayer " thanks for the things you have given me, the things you havent, and the things to come." and i truly mean it.

Everything changes, but beauty remains.

I love waking up each and every morning to a brand new day, a fresh start. Life can be so lovely when u just live on life's terms not yours. I know today that I can't get what I want when and how I want it. So today I'm working on not having expectations so that I never have to be let down
...
I think I set myself up sometimes. I have convinced myself, maybe its cuz I was raised in a broken home, that nothing lasts. That everything has its end in life and your just supposed to emjoy the moments u have because as life passes everythug just becomes memories.
im at long branch now and my friends from na met up w me here and im so happy. everything just seems to keep going good and working out each and every day and im happy. i know the longer i stay clean the more god will continue to bless me. I just hope he doesnt take things from me. I especially dont want to lose my friends or CL right now. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. It helps keep my mind off the fact that i lost MH. I do miss her and i feel bad because she did so much for me, and what was i to her? Just a pain in the ass i guess. It a shame to feel like youre that to other people. I dont know.
I hope one day i can be someone to bring light into the lives of others. Thats who i was before the drugs came into my life. My ex of three years TR, his dad used to call me little miss sunshine. Ill never forget that time he banged his knee into a table and said that if it happened to me i would of just smiled. I miss TR and everything i had with him. He was my one true love and i can only pray that one day i will feel like that again.