before ever using i knew it was bad without being told. BUt once i started i never stopped. the reality of what i was doing to myself just disappeared and it was all about the feeling i was getting from being high or drunk. i was numb and thats all i wanted.
i couldnt stop because i was at a point i didnt want to. i had drowned myself too deep in my drug life that whenever i didnt drink or use i had no reality to face because it was gone, i had destroyed it all. i couldnt face what i had done to myself and that was my motivation to keep using.
to just keep numbing the pain and not facing the fact that i lost my family, my dreams, my ambitions, my higher power, everything that was important to me. But i found the program through fear of death. i was at a point where i wanted to die but i could never bring myself to do it because i couldnt face what god would do to me.
But the freaking program saved my ass it really did. i learned to freaking live again. and todasy its alot different. i get to work on the things in my life i dont have. i have ambitions. i was just at church tnoight and my pastor asked us what we believe is the meaning of our reaking lives and why are we re freaking here, i mean it has to be for a reason.
i think we are all just strong people to be able to go another fricking day clean. and we can help others through the program the way we were helped off the ground
i lost everything i ever had a i have to start from the bottom now. from a crappy college to a garbage car but im happy and frateful my higher power is giving me anything. But today i know i really am starting to deserve things. i try to pray as often as i can to go this prayer " thanks for the things you have given me, the things you havent, and the things to come." and i truly mean it.
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