It's such a waste to be wasted in the first place.

before ever using i knew it was bad without being told. BUt once i started i never stopped. the reality of what i was doing to myself just disappeared and it was all about the feeling i was getting from being high or drunk. i was numb and thats all i wanted.
i couldnt stop because i was at a point i didnt want to. i had drowned myself too deep in my drug life that whenever i didnt drink or use i had no reality to face because it was gone, i had destroyed it all. i couldnt face what i had done to myself and that was my motivation to keep using.
to just keep numbing the pain and not facing the fact that i lost my family, my dreams, my ambitions, my higher power, everything that was important to me. But i found the program through fear of death. i was at a point where i wanted to die but i could never bring myself to do it because i couldnt face what god would do to me.
But the freaking program saved my ass it really did. i learned to freaking live again. and todasy its alot different. i get to work on the things in my life i dont have. i have ambitions. i was just at church tnoight and my pastor asked us what we believe is the meaning of our reaking lives and why are we re freaking here, i mean it has to be for a reason.
i think we are all just strong people to be able to go another fricking day clean. and we can help others through the program the way we were helped off the ground
i lost everything i ever had a i have to start from the bottom now. from a crappy college to a garbage car but im happy and frateful my higher power is giving me anything. But today i know i really am starting to deserve things. i try to pray as often as i can to go this prayer " thanks for the things you have given me, the things you havent, and the things to come." and i truly mean it.

Everything changes, but beauty remains.

I love waking up each and every morning to a brand new day, a fresh start. Life can be so lovely when u just live on life's terms not yours. I know today that I can't get what I want when and how I want it. So today I'm working on not having expectations so that I never have to be let down
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I think I set myself up sometimes. I have convinced myself, maybe its cuz I was raised in a broken home, that nothing lasts. That everything has its end in life and your just supposed to emjoy the moments u have because as life passes everythug just becomes memories.
im at long branch now and my friends from na met up w me here and im so happy. everything just seems to keep going good and working out each and every day and im happy. i know the longer i stay clean the more god will continue to bless me. I just hope he doesnt take things from me. I especially dont want to lose my friends or CL right now. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. It helps keep my mind off the fact that i lost MH. I do miss her and i feel bad because she did so much for me, and what was i to her? Just a pain in the ass i guess. It a shame to feel like youre that to other people. I dont know.
I hope one day i can be someone to bring light into the lives of others. Thats who i was before the drugs came into my life. My ex of three years TR, his dad used to call me little miss sunshine. Ill never forget that time he banged his knee into a table and said that if it happened to me i would of just smiled. I miss TR and everything i had with him. He was my one true love and i can only pray that one day i will feel like that again.

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears, let it fill my soul and drown my fears.

So today is a new day. I still feel really depressed but I'll be home tomorrow and I'm excited.I'm getting a new phone because they don't have anymore curves. I'm upgrading to the blackberry tour which I don't know how I feel about that.
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So I'm really enjoying myself at the beach right now. I was playing soccer with jack Jared and Andy and it really helped. I'm just a little sad cuz of my phone breaking, of mom always being mad at me, at the fact my financial aid still hasn't been processed, the fact Im not getting a car, the fact that I'm once again committed and it's going to hold me back. I'm also really upset because I just feel that the kids I babysit for are growing up so fast and I'm on this vacation and the parents don't really need me anymore. I think the parents are realizing it too. Like Lou doesn't even let me be alone in the water w Josh. What good am I here? I think I just want to be needed by someone, to be wanted.
I want to be good and be doing good and have my life together so I can help someone else. I was so upset last night I was going to use my concerts but I didn't. I have completely taken my medicine proper except I missed taking my sleeping mess last night. I think I'm doing much better. I'm celebrating when I get back and I'm excited for it.
I wanna see NM CL and MA but I don't want to see anyone else. I think I just don't want to face reality kinda. I don't know. I wish I had mt phone I'm not getting til freaking Wednesday.
I just have alot on my mind and alot of responsibility I need dad and mom right now. I know i can't do everything alone.

I try to be not like that, but some people really suck.

everything and everyone sucks right now i really cant say it again. im just done w life. im over it. im in such a bad place i freaking want to kill myself. i just have the worst life and the worst luck i dont know what to do. i have been trying to stay positive no matter what but im at my breaking point. I didnt even pay attention at my meeting tonight i dont know what i shared about i am just so annoyed and angry at everyone.
my family wants to kill me because my cell phone is broken and there is nothing i can do about it. i have to wait until my dad comes back from portugal now and i want to freaking shoot someone.

And if there's one little answer to this complication, someone somewhere, help me settle what is on my mind.

When i was using i had nothing but the drugs. It was everything for me, it had my heart, my soul, my life. It took away my laughter, my smiles, my feelings. I was hopeless only filled with fear and misery when i wasnt high. I thought that drugs were the only thing that brought substance into my life. It gave me friends and the materialistic things i thought i wanted. But in it all i lost the things that mattered most. I would be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest girl in the world, it killing me. It wasnt until i was sick of being afraid, sick of being numb, sick of trying to stop on my own did i take my first step into coming into the program. I was out of my house for two days without a place to go and i decided to check into an intensive outpatient program as a slide by to get back home. There was the first time i was able to talk.
Talk to people that felt that same way i did. Talk about how i truly felt about the people in my life and how i felt about myself. I was first told there about meetings and getting a sponsor and it all seemed like nonsense to me. In the outpatient program i relapsed and was sent into my first detox. In the waiting room there to get in, there was another girl who was waiting to go in too. She didnt feel like she belonged there but i told her i did. I told her i knew there was something wrong with me because i could be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest girl in the world. I told her i didnt know what else to do but use thinking it would solve all my problems, yet i still felt like that. The girl started crying histerical in front of me and told me she felt the same way. That was the beginning for me.
I didnt take the rehab seriously but when i got out i went back to my outpatient program and my first meeting. i remember sitting down in the meeting and this girl Gillian was speaking and said that the way i felt now i would never have to feel again. I would never have to use again. And it hit me hard. Throughout the entire meeting people shared their experience, strength, and hope that the program had given me. That was the solution, Narcotics Anonymous.
As much as i have been coming into the program for a year now, i have been struggling to stay clean. I have had to face some of the hardest things i believe i have ever gone through. For most of them, i have conquered them clean. It has only made me stronger knowing i can actually go through things sober. Because no matter what i go through, i know i will be okay. Time takes time, but it allows us to heal and only build our character from the way we handle those situations. I have learned that. I also know that the more i keep coming to this program, for me, it has gotten easier.
Narcotics anonymous has given me so much in my life. Even though at times i hate the program and the people in it, i still need it. i still need you. It has given me my life back. I have my smiles, my heart, my feelings back. I can care and love others the way i always wanted to be treated. I can strive for my goals today. I know today there is only one solution and that is the program. Going to meetings, having a sponsor, and doing esteemable things. There are times where i dont have to motivation to go on, but the program has kept me going.
Its easier said than done, but at the same time, the best things in life are never easy. You have to work for it, own it. believe it, and have faith. Faith that you are somebody no matter what people tell you. You are worthwhile. You have a God that cares and loves you no matter what, always giving second chances. You have yourself when your clean. Even though there are times when i dont like myself, i can accept who i am today. I can be self aware without hiding and masking behind the drugs. Staying clean allows me to work on my character defects and just be the person i want to be and love internally.
I have always been told i am strong throughout my entire life, but today i feel it within myself. I know if i put the work into it and keep trying i can do this. I can stay clean. I can live the life i have always dreamed of. I thank god whenever i can for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come. And i truly believe that.

Under the blue light in the sky, my empty pages are filling up.

Im so annoyed right now. I have four cigarettes left and its only tuesday! What the hell am i supposed to do for the rest of the week!? I dont know ill figure something out i always do.
So im in an online meeting right now and they just recited this quote, "There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories are full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke those hearts was taking away its dream- whatever that dream might be." I remember a time where i was full of dreams. I wanted to be a veterinarian, get married, have kids, go to an awesome college, lots of animals, have my prince charming, and this big house with a tower where my bedroom would be, have the best friends, but most importantly the internal happiness. I was so young and had so much in life to believe in. My parents were married, gave me everything i wanted, teaching me that i could be or have anything in the world. The problem was as i got older, i started to become internally conflicted as the life around me started to crumble. My parents went through a brutal divorce and my mom took her anger out on me and my sister. My parents began using us only to find ways to get back and hurt each other. The love in my family disappeared only to be replaced by broken hearts and a broken home.
My dreams began to fade even before i ever picked up that first drug. I still had hope that they could happen, but i was starting to give up. I didnt know what to do until one day I remember being 13 or 14 sitting at the top of my staircase at home crying and i decided i would from that moment on do what i wanted whether it was right or wrong because then i would find my internal happiness. And i did.
I began breaking away from my family. I became anorexic, i was lying, manipulating, stealing. As I entered high school, i was already feeling hopeless and believed that my dreams would never be realized. I was so scarred by my life at home i began to believe that the world was hopeless. I started to use and believed that i had found my internal happiness. That i had found my prince charming, my true love, that it had everything i wanted. I would use to a point where i was in another world, and i was happy and didnt have a care in the world. Not for my family, not for my dreams, not for myself. Everytime i came back into reality i hated it and couldnt stand myself and my life. So i kept using and using until i never had to face reality, always escaping. I gave up my dreams, losing the one person i loved, my faith in God, my life at home, my college, my friends, my family, but most importantly myself. I had nothing left but the fear of death to keep me alive. I was too scared to die because i knew i could never face god the way i was.
I finally got to a point where i had enough. I was kicked out of my house a second time, having not only been back home for two months. I was so desperate i stayed at the house of an ex that had ruined me and hurt me so much, but he was all i could manipulate for a place to stay at the time. I realized that i needed help and i couldnt do it alone. So i went to my first rehab and it changed me. Was it powerful enough to move me completely? no but it gave me hope. I have been in recovery for a year now, and i have never tried so hard in my life. I dont know what it is from the rooms but i just keep coming back no matter what. I know in my heart today that my dreams have changed, but i still want that internal happiness. I have always had that little bit of hope for the last year that if i just keep doing this and trying that god will see me for the true me and all that i am, a good person.
And maybe, just maybe he will reward me with that internal happiness i have always dreamed for. An internal happiness from nothing but from just being alive and having a higher power in my life that loves me no matter what and has always given me more chances.

There's a future to this life and it burns in the night.

So another day at the beach house. Oh if you didnt know, i came down the shore with the family that i babysit for on saturday. Im here until next saturday. This really is the break i need. I took LD, she's two years old, in the pool with her life jacket on and i enjoyed myself. Its funny because all i wanted to do was watch the kids and tan until she came in. But i did go in the freezing pool with her because i know it would make her happy. Well and because its my job too. She was so happy, it made me happy. Also earlier this morning i was watching JD playing video games and the younger brother JD, whos four, woke up, came to me on the couch, and laid next to me. Hes so cute, i love him and i know he loves me too. I wish the boys never had to grow up and i could babysit them forever.
This makes me want to question what i want to do with my life. I think between teaching, daycare, restaurant management, or help animals in someway. But im also good at biology and technology and would love to get into a computer programming field. I dont know. I just feel so much clear headed being here. I know what i want today and im ready to reach for it. I want to focus on myself, i need to, otherwise i will be going in and out of rehabs bullshitting around for the rest of my life. Im just sick of the games that my addiction plays on me and im over it, im not listening to my fucked up thinking anymore.

We can build a brand new world, and have another way.

i am like at peace today. im so glad that i am away from everything and down the shore for the week. I can see clearly all the things i never paid attention to. i am finding my strength to overcome the things that i have been suffering so much over.
I am seeing outside the box of all the drama within the rooms and im fighting it. Im staying away but i am also standing up for myself which i never do. I always just go with the flow and do what people want but not anymore. I was selfish in my addiction but now im going to be selfish in my recovery. I am going to do me and only me. I see others struggling to do that but i am at a part of my life where i have overcome that struggle.
I have been coming to the rooms for a year now almost and im ready. I am ready for a new life filled with faith, hope, and inspiration. I am willing to do whatever it takes to exceed in my life and not care about others. I am sick of being a people pleaser, of pretending to be someone that im not, of dealing with sick people, some that are sicker than others. I know that i am sick too but at least im self aware. Today someone told me that they could say so much shit to me but why do i care? what could they possibly say to me that i dont already know. duhhh. I know what's right and wrong but sometimes i am impulsive and just do what i want regardless if its moral or not. Its definitely something i know and need to work on. Im sorry to everyone that i have hurt for my impulsive actions, but i have always done and its a working progress to change, its not going to happen overnight.

i got that rock and roll, that future flow.

im just sitting outside my deck right now smoking a cigarette and thinking. is it bad that im sitting around thinking right now? im just so in my head projecting on the future. I mean i truly dont see anything going for me its almost depressing. But at the same time i dont want anything, you know. I want to be happy and thats it. I dont want to find happiness in anything in life. I want to be happy from nothing and no reason. i can honestly say ive only ever found happiness in being in love but i dont want that this time. All this thinking is making me miss my ex TR. Three and a half years and i never appreciated him. Just like i never appreciate anything. Im just scared though because what if that love that we had is as good as love will ever get too. Im just finding everything overrated right now. Everything but getting high. I kinda want to. Music keeps me sane thank god for it.
Im just realizing that i want to be normal and i know i can be. Not as a using drug addict, not as a recovering addict. Just a normal person who puts their past behind and just moves on. i dont want to be remembering everyday the things that i did with drugs by going to meetings and "keeping it green." i just want to move on from this irresponsible reckless phase and be mature, like a fucking adult. i dont want to meet the right guy and be like, "uh yeah i did mad drugs and im recovering from them." Like thats not me, i am over it. Im over the whole using drugs and im over going to meetings to "recover" from drugs. Im ready to go out and make normal friends at college and have a solid group of friends and just be able to have self displine and go out and enjoy myself and my life.
i dont know where life will take me but i know its past the drugs and its past the rooms. I am so glad im leaving tomorrow with the kids on vacation in Avalon. I really need a break from the chaos and just to be around normal people and mentally prepare myself for school. That's my only goal right now, to make it to school everyday and to do it to the best of my ability. That's all i want. ANDDD a car lol. i dont know im always saying i dont know but because i really dont know. I go too much w the flow and what everyone else wants but what about what i want. Im over having sex with anyone or anybody. I want to do it with someone i love and thats it. I know its never been meaningful for me but why does it always have to be like that. I changed my mind i dont want to get high, and the only reason i said that is because i just want to take a break and CHILL. im excited for school to start and who knows where it leads me. Pray for me.

He's the wanderer looking for his long lost home, he's only got one place to go...

So i know i havent written in a while and alot has happened but i cannot dwell on the past so its whatever. To sum everything up KM dicked me over and started dating RK. TW said he hates me and i havent seen him in weeks. In all honesty im flad cuz it has helped me to get over him, not that im honestly there yet. I still think i have resentments for being dicked over. My sister went to Italy and back and just left yesterday to DR and will be back Saturday. I finished summer classes and got an A in Religions and a B in English, which im so proud of. Ooooo also, im getting a car before daddy goes away on August 11th !!!
I am at a place in my life where no one can bring me down but myself. Its my own actions that affect my feelings and not what others due to me. I havent felt the need since thursday (lol i would remember the day) to surround myself with drama and all the petty bullshit. My head and fucked up thinking gives me enough drama, nevermind others. Today i am really grateful to be clean. i need to call my freaking sponsor before going to bed thank god i just remembered.
Okay so i havent had a cigarette since friday but i still cant quit. Ill prob have to sneak out on my roof and have one before bed tonight. I cant believe i have to still sneak it from my family. Im twenty years old !!! Believe it or nottt. I know im still kid hearted but i like it that im 20 and can still enjoy life like im 14 again. More and more each day im becoming more outgoing and more able to put myself out there and its awesome. Im blossoming awwwwww jk.
The thing is my mind always tries to fill me with doubt and have expectations with others and it only leads to disappoint. Thats why i dont expect anything from anyone anymore, i expect whatever happens to be whatever i dont let it even phase me. So i also am learning my lessons from self sabatoging myself. Like i have been talking to Someone going through a rough time themselves but like i told him i couldnt anymore cuz honestly i would only be hurting him and myself! Why would we want to do that to ourselves?! i know there are feelings involved and sexual frustration but this is all teaching me self control and self discipline and im loving myself for it.
okay so my laptop battery is about to die so i will either write tomorrow or after i smoke a cigarette. Paaaace.