Under the blue light in the sky, my empty pages are filling up.

Im so annoyed right now. I have four cigarettes left and its only tuesday! What the hell am i supposed to do for the rest of the week!? I dont know ill figure something out i always do.
So im in an online meeting right now and they just recited this quote, "There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories are full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke those hearts was taking away its dream- whatever that dream might be." I remember a time where i was full of dreams. I wanted to be a veterinarian, get married, have kids, go to an awesome college, lots of animals, have my prince charming, and this big house with a tower where my bedroom would be, have the best friends, but most importantly the internal happiness. I was so young and had so much in life to believe in. My parents were married, gave me everything i wanted, teaching me that i could be or have anything in the world. The problem was as i got older, i started to become internally conflicted as the life around me started to crumble. My parents went through a brutal divorce and my mom took her anger out on me and my sister. My parents began using us only to find ways to get back and hurt each other. The love in my family disappeared only to be replaced by broken hearts and a broken home.
My dreams began to fade even before i ever picked up that first drug. I still had hope that they could happen, but i was starting to give up. I didnt know what to do until one day I remember being 13 or 14 sitting at the top of my staircase at home crying and i decided i would from that moment on do what i wanted whether it was right or wrong because then i would find my internal happiness. And i did.
I began breaking away from my family. I became anorexic, i was lying, manipulating, stealing. As I entered high school, i was already feeling hopeless and believed that my dreams would never be realized. I was so scarred by my life at home i began to believe that the world was hopeless. I started to use and believed that i had found my internal happiness. That i had found my prince charming, my true love, that it had everything i wanted. I would use to a point where i was in another world, and i was happy and didnt have a care in the world. Not for my family, not for my dreams, not for myself. Everytime i came back into reality i hated it and couldnt stand myself and my life. So i kept using and using until i never had to face reality, always escaping. I gave up my dreams, losing the one person i loved, my faith in God, my life at home, my college, my friends, my family, but most importantly myself. I had nothing left but the fear of death to keep me alive. I was too scared to die because i knew i could never face god the way i was.
I finally got to a point where i had enough. I was kicked out of my house a second time, having not only been back home for two months. I was so desperate i stayed at the house of an ex that had ruined me and hurt me so much, but he was all i could manipulate for a place to stay at the time. I realized that i needed help and i couldnt do it alone. So i went to my first rehab and it changed me. Was it powerful enough to move me completely? no but it gave me hope. I have been in recovery for a year now, and i have never tried so hard in my life. I dont know what it is from the rooms but i just keep coming back no matter what. I know in my heart today that my dreams have changed, but i still want that internal happiness. I have always had that little bit of hope for the last year that if i just keep doing this and trying that god will see me for the true me and all that i am, a good person.
And maybe, just maybe he will reward me with that internal happiness i have always dreamed for. An internal happiness from nothing but from just being alive and having a higher power in my life that loves me no matter what and has always given me more chances.