When i was using i had nothing but the drugs. It was everything for me, it had my heart, my soul, my life. It took away my laughter, my smiles, my feelings. I was hopeless only filled with fear and misery when i wasnt high. I thought that drugs were the only thing that brought substance into my life. It gave me friends and the materialistic things i thought i wanted. But in it all i lost the things that mattered most. I would be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest girl in the world, it killing me. It wasnt until i was sick of being afraid, sick of being numb, sick of trying to stop on my own did i take my first step into coming into the program. I was out of my house for two days without a place to go and i decided to check into an intensive outpatient program as a slide by to get back home. There was the first time i was able to talk.
Talk to people that felt that same way i did. Talk about how i truly felt about the people in my life and how i felt about myself. I was first told there about meetings and getting a sponsor and it all seemed like nonsense to me. In the outpatient program i relapsed and was sent into my first detox. In the waiting room there to get in, there was another girl who was waiting to go in too. She didnt feel like she belonged there but i told her i did. I told her i knew there was something wrong with me because i could be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest girl in the world. I told her i didnt know what else to do but use thinking it would solve all my problems, yet i still felt like that. The girl started crying histerical in front of me and told me she felt the same way. That was the beginning for me.
I didnt take the rehab seriously but when i got out i went back to my outpatient program and my first meeting. i remember sitting down in the meeting and this girl Gillian was speaking and said that the way i felt now i would never have to feel again. I would never have to use again. And it hit me hard. Throughout the entire meeting people shared their experience, strength, and hope that the program had given me. That was the solution, Narcotics Anonymous.
As much as i have been coming into the program for a year now, i have been struggling to stay clean. I have had to face some of the hardest things i believe i have ever gone through. For most of them, i have conquered them clean. It has only made me stronger knowing i can actually go through things sober. Because no matter what i go through, i know i will be okay. Time takes time, but it allows us to heal and only build our character from the way we handle those situations. I have learned that. I also know that the more i keep coming to this program, for me, it has gotten easier.
Narcotics anonymous has given me so much in my life. Even though at times i hate the program and the people in it, i still need it. i still need you. It has given me my life back. I have my smiles, my heart, my feelings back. I can care and love others the way i always wanted to be treated. I can strive for my goals today. I know today there is only one solution and that is the program. Going to meetings, having a sponsor, and doing esteemable things. There are times where i dont have to motivation to go on, but the program has kept me going.
Its easier said than done, but at the same time, the best things in life are never easy. You have to work for it, own it. believe it, and have faith. Faith that you are somebody no matter what people tell you. You are worthwhile. You have a God that cares and loves you no matter what, always giving second chances. You have yourself when your clean. Even though there are times when i dont like myself, i can accept who i am today. I can be self aware without hiding and masking behind the drugs. Staying clean allows me to work on my character defects and just be the person i want to be and love internally.
I have always been told i am strong throughout my entire life, but today i feel it within myself. I know if i put the work into it and keep trying i can do this. I can stay clean. I can live the life i have always dreamed of. I thank god whenever i can for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come. And i truly believe that.
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