i got that rock and roll, that future flow.

im just sitting outside my deck right now smoking a cigarette and thinking. is it bad that im sitting around thinking right now? im just so in my head projecting on the future. I mean i truly dont see anything going for me its almost depressing. But at the same time i dont want anything, you know. I want to be happy and thats it. I dont want to find happiness in anything in life. I want to be happy from nothing and no reason. i can honestly say ive only ever found happiness in being in love but i dont want that this time. All this thinking is making me miss my ex TR. Three and a half years and i never appreciated him. Just like i never appreciate anything. Im just scared though because what if that love that we had is as good as love will ever get too. Im just finding everything overrated right now. Everything but getting high. I kinda want to. Music keeps me sane thank god for it.
Im just realizing that i want to be normal and i know i can be. Not as a using drug addict, not as a recovering addict. Just a normal person who puts their past behind and just moves on. i dont want to be remembering everyday the things that i did with drugs by going to meetings and "keeping it green." i just want to move on from this irresponsible reckless phase and be mature, like a fucking adult. i dont want to meet the right guy and be like, "uh yeah i did mad drugs and im recovering from them." Like thats not me, i am over it. Im over the whole using drugs and im over going to meetings to "recover" from drugs. Im ready to go out and make normal friends at college and have a solid group of friends and just be able to have self displine and go out and enjoy myself and my life.
i dont know where life will take me but i know its past the drugs and its past the rooms. I am so glad im leaving tomorrow with the kids on vacation in Avalon. I really need a break from the chaos and just to be around normal people and mentally prepare myself for school. That's my only goal right now, to make it to school everyday and to do it to the best of my ability. That's all i want. ANDDD a car lol. i dont know im always saying i dont know but because i really dont know. I go too much w the flow and what everyone else wants but what about what i want. Im over having sex with anyone or anybody. I want to do it with someone i love and thats it. I know its never been meaningful for me but why does it always have to be like that. I changed my mind i dont want to get high, and the only reason i said that is because i just want to take a break and CHILL. im excited for school to start and who knows where it leads me. Pray for me.