We'll stand together until the very end

today i woke up really down on myself. I dont think im obsessing over the whole TW thing, in fact im handling it quite well, better than i ever have with any guy situation. I think its normal to still be hurt within a week of it happening. Im not too worried about it because usually the time i am with a guy, if he dumps me, im usually over him in half the time i was with him. SO i was only with TW for a month so ill be over it in two weeks. One more week to go!
Anyways, i stole two things today. I feel kinda guilty about it. I was bummed out because after doing the second pickpocket i realized i wasnt doing the day to the best of my ability. What a downer on myself it was. But i bounced back up and had an amazing day at work again. Third day in a row since i have been trying to truly change and it feels good. I am going to work excited to be there instead of being all puss about it. Its to a point where i dont want to leave work, like at all. I dont know as much as i get paid only 8.60 an hour which is jack shit, i like what i do. I like working in retail.
I just wish i got a better salary or something because i feel for the work i do, i should be getting alot more. I mean come on its only been two days of doing good at work and im already expecting more. Typical addict. Just like i dont lie to my mom once and i expect to be trusted even though im about to lie again. Its funny how fucked up our minds work, theyre like a thing of their own, and its pretty intense sometimes.
I am learning through prayer today that its when i can be most honest. When you cant find honesty in anything you say or do, in prayer you can always honest. Because youre praying to a higher power that you know is forgiving and loving no matter what you say or do. Well that is for my god anyways. I do believe at the same time though that when your only praying for a relief of your consciuous god doesnt listen to that bullshit. only when u speak from the heart and in honesty are your prayers answered.

...

i just came home from babysitting and im really down on myself, AGAIN. Im just sick of na and really want to give them a piece of my mind. i think this whole TW thing fucked me over more than im playing it out to be. I might be in relapse mode and i dont even know. sometimes i am totally in it and sometimes i manage to pull myself together, by gods grace. like in my summer classes at bergen all i have to do is tell my friend JQ to come get me and i can use. i could call him right now to pick me up and he would. i just wish i had a car its bothering me ALOT. its been eight months. i wish i could go to a fucking meeting whereever i want right now. then i wont have to pretend to like certain people and be fake with them just so they can give me rides. I miss real people, i miss being able to have deep conversations about life with real people and being able to smoke a blunt and chill.
God damn it i need MH right now. i dont know what i am doing right now without her. im going insane right now. im so fucked up. my head is fucked. i just have to make it through the night right now and ill be fine. I just need to make it til tomorrow morning at 915 am where grace will be picking me up and taking me to a meeting and everything will be okay. but what the fuck will a meeting do anyways?! its all backstabbing high school drama and bullshit all over again. everyone is fake and has the word fucking asshole across their forehead and its too much. I am having really bad anxiety and i havent even had anxiety in a while.
Maybe im doing it again, being paranoid, thinking everyone is fucked up and out to get me and each other but isnt that how life always is? dont we not look for anything other than our own wellbeing? i mean we re fucking addicts, at the end of the day it doesnt matter shit what weve done cuz we only truly care about ourselves and our wellbeing. i dont know this shit spot better go away or im going to go crazy. Im going to take my sleeping meds now, smoke a cigarette, and not stay up cuz it might seriously kill me right now.

Cant never count me out, ya'll better count me in...

After last night ive just been different. I went to high focus alumni night and i truly got something out of it. I shared my opinion about how important the program is for me. I shared my experience strength and hope for others in the the room. Whether or not everyone got something out of it, it didnt matter for me. i got something out of it. I spoke from the heart and it felt good to do that.
i woke up this morning wanting to be the best that i can be and so far today i have done that. I am proud of myself. As much as i am hurt by the whole thing with TW it has only made me stronger and more confident. I know what i have to offer others today, and they can take it or leave it. But most importantly i will always have what i have to offer. i am who i am and even thought im still getting to know me i like me so far.
After what i did on monday night, i didnt feel good about myself. When i was using i would of been proud but today doing malicious things dont make me feel good about myself, especially when im using my body. I want to be respected today not look at as a piece of ass. only in time, as long as i continue to stay clean, pray, and work on myself will i be able to respect myself and be respected.
i am starting to find out the things that i like doing. I am so excited my life is slowly but surely moving forward and that im growing. I have found that i have an interest in religion and my passion for history is coming back. I just cant wait to be at that point in my life where i know what im doing and where its going. I cant wait for the things God has to give me in the future. I can only pray and be grateful today for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come.
I also spoke with my sponsor for ten minutes today what a record. i told her everything from how im feeling to what i did on monday. Getting honest with myself and others is truly the first step i need to take in my recovery. its what i struggle with the most, but i know eventually i will be confident with myself and wont need to hide who i am and do what i want through lies.
I saw TW tonight at my friend CS's house. he didnt say a word to me. honestly im so hurt by it. i honestly put some of my feelings out there and just like that in one second it was all shattered for me. I ask god to give me the strength each and everyday since he ended it with me on sunday to get through these feelings. i know time takes time, and with that ill eventually be okay. I just cant hide behind my feelings anymore i need to face them. i just cant pick up no matter what and everything will be okay. Once i do that, all bets are off and there will be no hope for me. I dont know im struggling deep inside but i will be okay.
thank you god for everything you have given me and the things in my life you have for me in the future.

We all get burned, those who survive are the ones that learn..

So i havent journalled or blogged in so long. I guess alot has happened, not really though. Me and TW just broke up on Sunday and im kinda really hurt by it. I just didnt think it would happen right now. Everything was going really good, and im so grateful i kept my distance but i did put myself out there to an extent, and i was hurt. I am forced to sit with my feelings now and it freaking sucks. I hate it to be honest. I just know that if i can survive this clean i can do anything. One of my biggest triggers for relapse is relationships. So why do i continuously do this to myself? I dont really know. I need to start learning from my mistakes instead of saying i dont care and repeating them consistently.
Today i tell myself i am okay. But i really am okay today. My worst day clean still does not compare to my best day using and if i keep that in perspective i can continue to work through this addiction. I believe i have 66 days or so today and it is such a miracle. i am just looking forward to the day i can write my name and number for with those who have 90 days clean or more for the newcomer. I cant wait to start working my steps. i cant wait for the day that i could speak on my experience strength and hope with others that struggle just as i do. I cant wait to be able to commitments to help others. I cant wait to help others.

Coming out your mouth with you blah, blah, blah.

I broke down crying today. Its so wierd. For the last week or so i have been convincing myself im okay and trying to stay centered no matter whats going on. I just feel like im masking whats really going on with me inside. i know i cant use or anything because i have so much to lose. But at the same time i feel like i am so confused because i dont know who i am and i never know how im truly feeling about anything thats going on around me. Things are happening and im convincing myself im okay when im not.
I pulled the same bullshit when i was using. I was getting molested, getting in bad situations, getting taken advantage of and i would convince myself i was okay and that i could handle it. Those things werent okay, i know that today.And now im going through each day living the normal life, a clean life, and sometimes things dont always work out and yeah i should not overanalyze or be overdramatic but i should also be able to sit with my feelings above everything. What is it that i hate about myself so much that i cant be alone?
i dont know i might as well spill everything thats bothering me. I hate the fact that my sister is gone and im not missing her. I dont even care if she didnt come back, which is so evil on my part. Im so annoyed that my mom doesnt appreciate what she has and has to complain about everything. Im pissed off that i cried and made this huge thing, even talking to TW about RK being missing, and RK doesnt even give a fuck about me. He doesnt give a rats ass, he has no emotion whatsoever. Im mad at myself because i kinda am ruining things with TW now too. Im overanalyzing and taking myself way too seriously. But at the same time why shouldnt i take myself seriously? Thats what im struggling with.Im trying to find the medium between being promiscuous and self respect. Im trying to find the medium between independence and dependence. Im trying to find the medium between self control and letting loose. I always go from one extreme to the next and im never in the middle of it and it fucking sucks.
Like with the TW thing, im either all in it some days and other days i want to tell him to go fuck himself. And its for no apparent reason. I can also be really down for just having fun and enjoying his company but then i get so serious and debby down on everything. Some days im truly having feelings from him but then other days im legit just trying to fill a void. Like he said good night in the car and he would text me tomorrow but i want him to text me now. Because i cant even sit with myself and write about how im feeling. Then i want a boyfriend but i want to be able to talk to whom i want when i want. I mean how many more mixed signals could one guy take?!
I just really feel like i need to let go of the things that have happened and yeah i didnt sit with my feelings over them, but i need to start fresh. Like tomorrow is a new day, thank god, and im just going to start fresh with myself and from now on truly think, without overthinking, and sit with my feelings, without obsessing. Cuz just like with using, once i start overthinking and analyzing shit, all bets are off and im off to the races freaking out and making shit worse. Today was a good start though, i called my sponsor and actually cried to her about what i was feeling.
i think too much and get get all confused and hung-up running from thought to thought. It's because my fears are getting the best of me, and i dont want to mess up. But there comes a point where i need to stop worrying and start living- living in the moment, the here and now.

That's right baby, im going crazy.

I apologize for not having been writing but im in such a wierd place right now. I havent called my sponsor and i have been isolating. I dont think i want to use, but what else could it be? My sister is in italy, but she is safe. My mom is sick, but she is safe. But RK isnt safe. He was kicked out of his rehab, and they dropped him off at a bus stop without calling his parents. The bus only goes three ways- camden, pittsburg, and atlantic city. He got on the bus, that's all we know. What if he's dead right now? He only had $20 and his clothing, i mean what could he possibly do with himself. I bet he's scared right now, im so scared for him. Im crying just thinking that he might be hurt right now. His parents just want him home, i just want him home.
I suffer when others are suffering. I dont like to see people hurt and die because it makes me so upset. I dont know what else to say, im guilty because his mom said he talked about me to them sometimes and im busy starting something new and fresh with TW. Without the arguing, bickering, and backstabbing. It actually feels quite nice when im with him. Like last night. We went to his house and played spades. Instead of going to the night owls meeting, we had a meeting at his house, and it actually was quite liberating.
I was with MJ SM and his girlfriend also and its so funny how much we related to each other when we shared, and we helped each other out with whatever each of us are going through. I dont know all bullshit aside, i have been real testy lately and legit biting peoples heads off every time they try talking to me. I am okay, but i feel myself sinking down more and more. Im scared about it. Im losing my patience, humility, qratefulness. Im overall just down on myself. My mind is playing tricks on me making me believe everything is worse than it seems again, that i dont feel good about myself because my life sucks and i should pick up and use. This is a real test for me because i feel my head boiling up to a headache just thinking about using.
Whenever i have a headache it discloses two signs, i need drugs or a cigarette. Since i clearly cannot smoke because my mom is walking about here at home, im stuck suffering.
I dont know how much more i can handle before i go off the walls. Its going to happen one of these days, im going to lose it.

I'm lost, so lost, so lost, I'm falling down.

I am going to puke right now. RK is missing, he is fucking missing. Its so wierd because he pops into my head at least once a day because i care about him so much. I dont know what the fuck is going on and where i stand right now. I need to sleep this off. Have a good night.

Rain falls on my shoulders, sun rises in the east, I'm worn and bruised but I am here at least.

So i am doing a bit of light reading right now. I start summer classes at Bergen Community next week so I'm trying to get ahead of the game. In reading my religions of the world book, i found two sentences that really has struck out to me. It says, "The rhetoric of preaching and the quiet of meditation, the ornate garb and stylized motions of elaborate ritual, and the gladsome tones of gospel music, all say reality has more to it than the everyday. These "signs" also say that this extraordinary reality, this "something more" touches human life and can be felt, channeled, and made manifest by special means."
When i was using i had no connections to my higher power. I consistently questioned the existence of god. But the thing is i was never honest with him, with myself. I would pray empty promises with doubt in the back of my mind. I didnt trust him because i didnt think i was being heard and that he was even real. He did hear me always but he couldnt help me when i was using. But its so different today. When i pray and think of my higher power i truly believe and feel the "something more" that the reading was talking about.
My family is pentecostal and has always been very religious and i never took it serious until i got cleaned. I get prayed for by my pastor who is spoken to by the lord. God channels through him to help other people and deliver his message to them. I have felt my higher power and i trust in him today. Sometimes my higher power is in the rooms of narcotics anonymous and sometimes its just a god of my own understanding.
My god is truly a forgiving god. He knows of my past and my sins and he still gives me life, he still gives me chances. Most importantly he still loves me. He answers every prayer of mine today. He keeps me at peace and allows me to live and learn continuously.
My pastor praying for me has helped me to overcome my guilt and shame from my past. I dont let it affect me anymore. I know i wasnt myself when i was using, and even though my character defects became a part of who i am, i am trying to change that today. From the lying to the stealing to the manipulating i am trying to change. From jumping from boy to boy, having sex with whomever i am trying to change.
I cant say it enough but i am such a different person today. I have hope for my life today, i know i will be going somewhere. I trust that even though i dont have everything i want in life, god has given me the things i need right now, and he has more to give me in the future. I am learning to have patience for those things, and not act on impulse as i always have. I know that with every problem god puts in my way there is a solution so i have to stay positive. It all tests the strength i have in me, and after all i have been through to be able to overcome an addiction, i know i have strength.
I know today that my best day high cannot compare to my worst day sober. I could feel like the world is ending for me but i know i didnt get high today and that gives me peace no matter what i may be dealing with. I am at such a centered stay of mind and it is not going away and i love it. I dont feel the need to be overdramatic about situations and i can continuously think with a realistic mentality. I have work at ten tomorrow so im going to bed. Have a good night!