That's right baby, im going crazy.

I apologize for not having been writing but im in such a wierd place right now. I havent called my sponsor and i have been isolating. I dont think i want to use, but what else could it be? My sister is in italy, but she is safe. My mom is sick, but she is safe. But RK isnt safe. He was kicked out of his rehab, and they dropped him off at a bus stop without calling his parents. The bus only goes three ways- camden, pittsburg, and atlantic city. He got on the bus, that's all we know. What if he's dead right now? He only had $20 and his clothing, i mean what could he possibly do with himself. I bet he's scared right now, im so scared for him. Im crying just thinking that he might be hurt right now. His parents just want him home, i just want him home.
I suffer when others are suffering. I dont like to see people hurt and die because it makes me so upset. I dont know what else to say, im guilty because his mom said he talked about me to them sometimes and im busy starting something new and fresh with TW. Without the arguing, bickering, and backstabbing. It actually feels quite nice when im with him. Like last night. We went to his house and played spades. Instead of going to the night owls meeting, we had a meeting at his house, and it actually was quite liberating.
I was with MJ SM and his girlfriend also and its so funny how much we related to each other when we shared, and we helped each other out with whatever each of us are going through. I dont know all bullshit aside, i have been real testy lately and legit biting peoples heads off every time they try talking to me. I am okay, but i feel myself sinking down more and more. Im scared about it. Im losing my patience, humility, qratefulness. Im overall just down on myself. My mind is playing tricks on me making me believe everything is worse than it seems again, that i dont feel good about myself because my life sucks and i should pick up and use. This is a real test for me because i feel my head boiling up to a headache just thinking about using.
Whenever i have a headache it discloses two signs, i need drugs or a cigarette. Since i clearly cannot smoke because my mom is walking about here at home, im stuck suffering.
I dont know how much more i can handle before i go off the walls. Its going to happen one of these days, im going to lose it.