So i am doing a bit of light reading right now. I start summer classes at Bergen Community next week so I'm trying to get ahead of the game. In reading my religions of the world book, i found two sentences that really has struck out to me. It says, "The rhetoric of preaching and the quiet of meditation, the ornate garb and stylized motions of elaborate ritual, and the gladsome tones of gospel music, all say reality has more to it than the everyday. These "signs" also say that this extraordinary reality, this "something more" touches human life and can be felt, channeled, and made manifest by special means."
When i was using i had no connections to my higher power. I consistently questioned the existence of god. But the thing is i was never honest with him, with myself. I would pray empty promises with doubt in the back of my mind. I didnt trust him because i didnt think i was being heard and that he was even real. He did hear me always but he couldnt help me when i was using. But its so different today. When i pray and think of my higher power i truly believe and feel the "something more" that the reading was talking about.
My family is pentecostal and has always been very religious and i never took it serious until i got cleaned. I get prayed for by my pastor who is spoken to by the lord. God channels through him to help other people and deliver his message to them. I have felt my higher power and i trust in him today. Sometimes my higher power is in the rooms of narcotics anonymous and sometimes its just a god of my own understanding.
My god is truly a forgiving god. He knows of my past and my sins and he still gives me life, he still gives me chances. Most importantly he still loves me. He answers every prayer of mine today. He keeps me at peace and allows me to live and learn continuously.
My pastor praying for me has helped me to overcome my guilt and shame from my past. I dont let it affect me anymore. I know i wasnt myself when i was using, and even though my character defects became a part of who i am, i am trying to change that today. From the lying to the stealing to the manipulating i am trying to change. From jumping from boy to boy, having sex with whomever i am trying to change.
I cant say it enough but i am such a different person today. I have hope for my life today, i know i will be going somewhere. I trust that even though i dont have everything i want in life, god has given me the things i need right now, and he has more to give me in the future. I am learning to have patience for those things, and not act on impulse as i always have. I know that with every problem god puts in my way there is a solution so i have to stay positive. It all tests the strength i have in me, and after all i have been through to be able to overcome an addiction, i know i have strength.
I know today that my best day high cannot compare to my worst day sober. I could feel like the world is ending for me but i know i didnt get high today and that gives me peace no matter what i may be dealing with. I am at such a centered stay of mind and it is not going away and i love it. I dont feel the need to be overdramatic about situations and i can continuously think with a realistic mentality. I have work at ten tomorrow so im going to bed. Have a good night!
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