Dont you wish your girlfriend was raw like me.

There's something i learned a long time ago from my friend MW that i love with all my heart. He told me that at the end of the day, all you've got is your name and your word. From such an immature 20 yr old (no offense!) i got so much out of that statement. When i was using my word was a shot to hell. I made all the promises in the world and couldnt keep one. From planning to be there for someone to something as little as being there for myself. I couldnt do it, drugs robbed me of that, of my dependability.
Today i dont have that. I am dependeable. When i am told to show up for work, i do it no matter what. When i tell someone im going to do something i do it (most of the times). I know i cant please everyone and there are times when i have to please myself. Its a working process drawing the line but im starting to get it.
Using i had no chance at anything. Not for a future, a present, or past. I coped regretting for things i did by doing more things that i regretted. I didnt have a life, i had a drug obsession. I couldnt see myself ever stopping. I honestly thought i would bum around from friend's house to house for the rest of my life and just do drugs and i could never be stopped. Even when i was caught by family, friends, and police all getting me to stop what i was doing, i couldnt stop.
Thats why im so grateful for this program, for Narcotics Anonymous. Its teachhing me so much and keeping me clean. I just am at such an awe about life, its unbelievable. Yeah im tired, things dont always go my way, and i want to many things. But that's the thing, i didnt even intentionally mean to write- i want too many things. I want the car, the job, the college, the friends, the partying, and the boyfriend. I want to dress and look as good as my coworkers at the shoe store i work in. I want it all, but life's on life's terms.
I am learning to humble myself and look towards the things i have and not what i dont have. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin, and just have fun with myself. I am learning to laugh again, and be patient, and kind, and selfless. I am learning to feel music running through my body again, without caring about every other person. I am learning to be happy with my family just the way they are. I am learning that i am exactly where im supposed to be, and i have everything im supposed to have. I learning to accept that my life is a certain way and to be with people that just get it.
My old friends used to make me feel inferior because i didnt have their lifestyle. My new friends embrace it. My old friends pressured me into doing things i didnt feel comfortable doing. My new friends tell me to stay away from bad people, places, and things. They want to see me do good for myself even at times when i dont want it.
I dont know i love life. I am fucking exhausted and im working all next week too which is making me nervous but i dont care. Life is amazing and perfect just the way it is. Its the one and only life i have so i have to enjoy it as much as i can. Because as much as we dont acknowledge it, time is moving and moving fast. The twenty yeras i had of my life is gone, especially the last five years of using, they flew by. Drugs robbed me of them, but not today.

Im a mess in a dress, cant show up in time even if it would save my life.

So i am all over the place. i have no medication. i have been working my ass off, everyday from 10-6 then i have so many commitments including meetings to attend after. I feel like im going to give out any day now. I also fear for my recovery, i know that whatever i put before my recovery i will lose and im definitely testing those waters right now.
So basically i have been working everyday not doing much, but i went swimming and hiking again on wednesday with CB,G, and her boyfriend T. I got really tanned on my shoulders from it. Even on wednesday i was exhausted from working so much lately. My mom found out about my blog so she took my laptop away. I mean come on. Freedom Of Speech. My family feels that i should not be posting on the internet that i am a drug addict but i am not ashamed, in fact i embrace it. For i know if it wasnt for all that i went through and the things ive done i wouldnt be where i am right now in my life. I know its exactly where i'm meant to be.
I finially talked to my sponsor on tuesday at the hillsdale meeting and she's giving me one more chance im so grateful i still have one person i can always call when im going through shit. I also have to take back everything i said about RK. I totally fucked everything up with him. I tried but couldnt be patient about the situation and have self control. I was selfish, bratty, egotistical, and essentually obnoxious. I definitely didnt respect myself the last time i saw him, lets just leave it at that. He said that i pushed for it and ruined everything that we could of had to look forward to. I guess he is right. I dont think im at an okay place in my life yet to be able to handle a boy, im not okay with myself, let alone with another boy. Maybe i am a sex addict too, my counselor at high focus used to tell me that. I crave it as much as i do the drugs, but it might just be for boys in general.
I hate the feeling of being alone, i try to avoid it at all costs. I cant seem to stand myself and just sit with myself. I think i might not like who i am, i dont know for sure. I dont know what i dont like, but there has to be something if i cant be alone and still be happy. Happiness is such a strange word, strange emotion. On my graduation at high focus, every one in your group had to give you a gift, RK gave me the gift of happiness, how ironic is that?
Last night i was talking to my best friend MH about what we want to do when we get older. We both want to make a difference in the world and help people and i just see alot of my dreams coming back again. I see the light in them again. When i was using i said i cared about the people around me yet my actions showed me to be hypocritical. I was selfish, self centered at the end of every day. But now i can mean the things i say. I want to spend every summer after the college going to different parts of the world and help people. Going to the amazon and helping to find natural remedies to sicknesses would be my dream. I just find it such a shame that the world's tree population is only at 26% and we're still tearing down natural habitat.
Its so funny because i dont know what i would do in my life without music. Listening to good music with meaning just sends such good vibes throughout my body that help me feel so alive when i dont feel it at times. Like i didnt think i could get through today because i have been feeling so dead, but the fact that i had music playing at all my jobs helped much today. They give me a filling sensation in the pit of my stomach and i just wish i wasnt at work right now so i can rock out. lol i have no insightful words today but just whats going on with me. havea great friday everyone!

I aint helping you climb the ladder, i'm busy climbing mine.

So i am at work right now and VO is managing today. She's so cool, very upfront girl telling it how it is. She has confidence and doesnt get intimidated by anyone. God do i strive to be someone like that.
I was talking to her about RK and she was telling me about her new boy too. She tells me that you can never change a guy and when they have qualities you dont want, then he's no good. The problem is that i dont know enough about RK so how can i know. I mean i am honestly defending him right now, because i think when he acts the way he does sometimes, is because maybe he's insecure? i dont really know. I just find him gorgeous, genuinely nice (except sometimes) and could get any girl in the world he wants. I think thats where my insecurities come out. I mean why would he go for a girl like me in the first place?
He seems like a pretty shallow guy, so it cannot be completely my personality that attracts him, and i think it mgiht be my looks. But i honestly dont find myself that attractive. I havent exercised in ages and i just dont care to present myself as much as other girls do. I tend to turn into a scrub in the summer and its bad.
But i just question, what makes us want to compete with each other and be shallow the way we are. Even i find myself judging others in just the way they look, never mind the way they talk and dress. I dont know i didnt take my vyvanse today so im all over the place.

And even when the wind is blowing, we'll never fall just keep on going.

I just came back from the reservation with JK and MH and it was so liberating. We hiked to the lake, went swimming, and just tanned. I am finding peace and serenity in being w nature and positive people. I love conscious people that can be real without drugs. That's what this program has given me. Real people.
Its also given me real problems. I am liberated from worrying about petty insignificant things. I dont have to be worried about cops, bitches, and backstabbers. No more getting pulled over with drug dealers in my car, no more bitches that pretend to be my friend, and no more backstabbers robbing me of my self-esteem.
I used to question what was wrong with me but that's not the case. Its what the fuck was wrong with the people i was with. And i never realized it for five fucking years. I was hanging out with the wrong people, simple fact. My addiction and the people that were apart of it took so much from me during that time. I lost my worth, values, morals, and respect. I was left with no hope, no faith, and no future. I had no soul, only left with my body, only to have it used and abused too. I dont blame anyone else but myself for allowing these things.
I am so grateful to have another chance today, to live my life differently. I am not perfect and still have problems. Things between me and RK suck dick right now, my mom isn't really talking to me, and I have to tell my new job I'm going to be taking summer classes. Maybe these things sound petty but they are of significance in my life right now.
But today i know my problems are always solvable. Theres no need to be angry, histerical, and overdramatic about any situation. Everything happens for a reason and even when youre suffering, just know that this too shall pass. With time, you will always be okay. Knowing this keeps me at peace.. most of the time.
For when i was using i was never okay, I was never at peace. I was angry, I was histerical, I was dramatic. I was hateful, cynical, and selfish. It was all about putting the next drug in my body. I couldnt give two shits that I was out of my house, being abused by some 'bitch', and failed school for a second time. I was at a point where i didnt care if i ever even saw my family again. I lied, i stole, i manipulated. My addiction maliced my thinking and actions. They, unfortunately, became a part of who i was.
So now im clean but its not enough. I thought it was in the beginning but its not. I have to change my whole way of thinking and doing things. I have to reprogram my brain to shut off from racing on the the future and past and just live in the moment. One day, one hour, one minute at a time if i have to. And the funniest thing is im actually starting to get how to do that. I was reading this book called the power of now by eckhart tolle and he talks about how you can actually listen to yourself thinking, how it looks at the past and is rushing for the future, how it judges. In doing so you can come to the realization that there is a greater being than just the thoughts racing in your head. You can teach yourself to turn those thoughts off and live in the moment. Ill have to explain it in more depth another day.
Another thing i need to change is my actions. Like stealing a red bull at the local supermarket everytime i go in there is not cool. I am seriously asking for trouble in doing that, so why do i do it? Same with lying, i dont want to do it, but its such a second hand defense now to any question im asked.
I find myself rambling tonight but i cannot help it. Even though i am struggling with things in my life right now, in addition to the ones i mentioned, i just keep trying to do the next right thing, to the best of my ability, that is. Have a good night.

We want you to be happy, come step outside your room.

I am once again so upset right now. You never see a good thing til its gone, you never see a crash til its head on. I lost RK and he has already found a new girl FOUR DAYS LATER. i mean come on why does every guy i talk to dump me for another girl FOUR DAYS LATER. That doesnt even give me a chance at anything. I think this is where i must find it in myself to start drawing the line.
I know what i want and dont want from a guy and the minute RK took me to get a smoothie and i had to pay, i should of stopped it right there. I am a very independent person and i like to be in charge of myself but dont offer to take me to get a smoothie and make me pay, thats just rude. Anyways this whole situation is making me pissed at my mom and fight with her more cuz i feel like its her fault and its just bad. I need to get my mind off of petty shit and realize more the things that are important in life.
Like how gorgeous it is outside. Im going to go hiking and tanning with my best friend and im so excited to. I need a break from all this 'drama' that i am undergoing right now. To break away and be able to relax and talk about deep meaningful shit again, shit that matters, that is inspirational, that is worthy of even talking or writing about...

When life is hard, you have to change.

So its 2 a.m. and I feel like I'm starting a new day. A new beginning, with a much better outlook on life. I just had such an amazing night hot tubbing with MH after my meeting. We had such a deep intellectual conversation that got me so inspired and thinking.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It is also insanity when you put up with the same thing repeatedly and do nothing about it. So I love how in life when you dont like something you can change it. From your appearance to actions to goals you can modify them. I am so grateful that if i dont like my body i can exercise to make it look better, and if a certain behavior of mine isn't working in my life i can change it. Like the lying for example.
How can one lie destroy so much that is built over a period of time? I am still so eaten alive by my lie to my mom and RK on Thursday. I am still suffering the consequence, and its never happened to me before. Coming off drugs i am finding more and more that i have a conscious. That i truly and deeply care for everyone in the world around, and as much as i may be only one person and insignificant to the world, i am significant to the people around me, in my life. My actions can affect others.
The only thing i can do is work on myself. If i just keep doing the right thing, even though it may be the hardest, i can begin to feel better about myself and the people around me that trust and have faith in me can feel better about being around me too. I am so grateful that even at times, when i think i have nothing, i still have things. I have a higher power that loves me and is always looking down on me, and i have myself. I am also grateful today that i have a best friend, a true friend that is always there for me, like i always wished for. MH is awesome, she gets me thinking about things that really matter to me.
In the rooms, whether i talk to some people or not, i have compassion for everyone, and i feel what other people are feeling if that makes any sense. When someone is struggling, my heart goes out to them for we are all one. We are all connected in being human. We arent perfect, we make mistakes.
I thank my higher power for giving me freedom to live and make my own choices, and i can learn from my mistakes and that he is a forgiving god to allow me to move on and not have to sit in the shit i create sometimes. I want to move on. I want to live my life to its fullest potential and only do the things I am truly passionate about.
Like whatever happened to my goal of being a veterinarian, of being a photographer for the national geographic, of being a columnist, of being a singer/guitarist/songwriter. Why cant i have those dreams again?
Growing up i saw how materialized the world was around me and how little people appreciated what they had. I didnt though, i just saw the world as such a beautiful place it made me feel beautiful inside. It was all destroyed after i drank for the first time. I began to lose appreciation for everything that made me smile and laugh so dearly. I began loosing sight of the world and began finding it mundane and dull. I wanted to break away from it.
I thought my solution against society's conformity, ignorance, and dullness was through drugs. I began isolating myself and i thought i was enjoying my life, high and carefree. Everything seemed like a fairytale. But in the end i only found misery. I can not survive in a conquered world without being conquered myself. I have to be a productive member of society to survive. That's what im learning to do, how to be a part of society without compromising who i am. Is it wrong that i feel i feel this way?
Its a battle and a struggle everyday for me. Thats where my addiction calls to me. My addiction tells me to use so i can escape, escape reality where things cant always go my way and be beautiful all the time and be in my own world where i make my own rules and can be who i am however i want. Where it is beautiful all the time. But of course once you take the drugs away, you go right back into reality and it just gets shitter and shitter.
This is because you begin to live your life trying to survive in a world that doesnt exist, a drug world. In the mean time, your reality is progressing worse. Some never get out of the fairy tale and wind up in jails, institution, and others die. Using drugs takes a way a part of your soul every single time you go out and use. Until your left with no understanding of reality- of who you are and where you are going. You love the drug with all your heart, but it will never love you back.
Have a good night..

When all you do is tell your lies, your killin me inside.

I am so upset right now. How can one lie deteriorate so much that is built over a period of time? I need a meeting right now. I wish it was 10 pm already.
I was building trust with my mom and one lie tore it all away. I was building trust w RK and one lie tore it all away. I lied to my mom about where my cell phone was on thursday. It was really with RK. I also lied to RK about my most recent hook ups and they're both mad at me.
But this time its different, like Im not getting away with it this time. This time i am suffering the consequences. My mom is not talking to me the same and RK isnt either. Am i really off of the pink cloud ive been sitting on for the last two weeks and i havent faced that fact yet. I havent called my sponsor either. Why do i do this to myself?
Well im leaving with MH to the meeting, ill see you when i get back...