And even when the wind is blowing, we'll never fall just keep on going.

I just came back from the reservation with JK and MH and it was so liberating. We hiked to the lake, went swimming, and just tanned. I am finding peace and serenity in being w nature and positive people. I love conscious people that can be real without drugs. That's what this program has given me. Real people.
Its also given me real problems. I am liberated from worrying about petty insignificant things. I dont have to be worried about cops, bitches, and backstabbers. No more getting pulled over with drug dealers in my car, no more bitches that pretend to be my friend, and no more backstabbers robbing me of my self-esteem.
I used to question what was wrong with me but that's not the case. Its what the fuck was wrong with the people i was with. And i never realized it for five fucking years. I was hanging out with the wrong people, simple fact. My addiction and the people that were apart of it took so much from me during that time. I lost my worth, values, morals, and respect. I was left with no hope, no faith, and no future. I had no soul, only left with my body, only to have it used and abused too. I dont blame anyone else but myself for allowing these things.
I am so grateful to have another chance today, to live my life differently. I am not perfect and still have problems. Things between me and RK suck dick right now, my mom isn't really talking to me, and I have to tell my new job I'm going to be taking summer classes. Maybe these things sound petty but they are of significance in my life right now.
But today i know my problems are always solvable. Theres no need to be angry, histerical, and overdramatic about any situation. Everything happens for a reason and even when youre suffering, just know that this too shall pass. With time, you will always be okay. Knowing this keeps me at peace.. most of the time.
For when i was using i was never okay, I was never at peace. I was angry, I was histerical, I was dramatic. I was hateful, cynical, and selfish. It was all about putting the next drug in my body. I couldnt give two shits that I was out of my house, being abused by some 'bitch', and failed school for a second time. I was at a point where i didnt care if i ever even saw my family again. I lied, i stole, i manipulated. My addiction maliced my thinking and actions. They, unfortunately, became a part of who i was.
So now im clean but its not enough. I thought it was in the beginning but its not. I have to change my whole way of thinking and doing things. I have to reprogram my brain to shut off from racing on the the future and past and just live in the moment. One day, one hour, one minute at a time if i have to. And the funniest thing is im actually starting to get how to do that. I was reading this book called the power of now by eckhart tolle and he talks about how you can actually listen to yourself thinking, how it looks at the past and is rushing for the future, how it judges. In doing so you can come to the realization that there is a greater being than just the thoughts racing in your head. You can teach yourself to turn those thoughts off and live in the moment. Ill have to explain it in more depth another day.
Another thing i need to change is my actions. Like stealing a red bull at the local supermarket everytime i go in there is not cool. I am seriously asking for trouble in doing that, so why do i do it? Same with lying, i dont want to do it, but its such a second hand defense now to any question im asked.
I find myself rambling tonight but i cannot help it. Even though i am struggling with things in my life right now, in addition to the ones i mentioned, i just keep trying to do the next right thing, to the best of my ability, that is. Have a good night.