Dont you wish your girlfriend was raw like me.

There's something i learned a long time ago from my friend MW that i love with all my heart. He told me that at the end of the day, all you've got is your name and your word. From such an immature 20 yr old (no offense!) i got so much out of that statement. When i was using my word was a shot to hell. I made all the promises in the world and couldnt keep one. From planning to be there for someone to something as little as being there for myself. I couldnt do it, drugs robbed me of that, of my dependability.
Today i dont have that. I am dependeable. When i am told to show up for work, i do it no matter what. When i tell someone im going to do something i do it (most of the times). I know i cant please everyone and there are times when i have to please myself. Its a working process drawing the line but im starting to get it.
Using i had no chance at anything. Not for a future, a present, or past. I coped regretting for things i did by doing more things that i regretted. I didnt have a life, i had a drug obsession. I couldnt see myself ever stopping. I honestly thought i would bum around from friend's house to house for the rest of my life and just do drugs and i could never be stopped. Even when i was caught by family, friends, and police all getting me to stop what i was doing, i couldnt stop.
Thats why im so grateful for this program, for Narcotics Anonymous. Its teachhing me so much and keeping me clean. I just am at such an awe about life, its unbelievable. Yeah im tired, things dont always go my way, and i want to many things. But that's the thing, i didnt even intentionally mean to write- i want too many things. I want the car, the job, the college, the friends, the partying, and the boyfriend. I want to dress and look as good as my coworkers at the shoe store i work in. I want it all, but life's on life's terms.
I am learning to humble myself and look towards the things i have and not what i dont have. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin, and just have fun with myself. I am learning to laugh again, and be patient, and kind, and selfless. I am learning to feel music running through my body again, without caring about every other person. I am learning to be happy with my family just the way they are. I am learning that i am exactly where im supposed to be, and i have everything im supposed to have. I learning to accept that my life is a certain way and to be with people that just get it.
My old friends used to make me feel inferior because i didnt have their lifestyle. My new friends embrace it. My old friends pressured me into doing things i didnt feel comfortable doing. My new friends tell me to stay away from bad people, places, and things. They want to see me do good for myself even at times when i dont want it.
I dont know i love life. I am fucking exhausted and im working all next week too which is making me nervous but i dont care. Life is amazing and perfect just the way it is. Its the one and only life i have so i have to enjoy it as much as i can. Because as much as we dont acknowledge it, time is moving and moving fast. The twenty yeras i had of my life is gone, especially the last five years of using, they flew by. Drugs robbed me of them, but not today.