When life is hard, you have to change.

So its 2 a.m. and I feel like I'm starting a new day. A new beginning, with a much better outlook on life. I just had such an amazing night hot tubbing with MH after my meeting. We had such a deep intellectual conversation that got me so inspired and thinking.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It is also insanity when you put up with the same thing repeatedly and do nothing about it. So I love how in life when you dont like something you can change it. From your appearance to actions to goals you can modify them. I am so grateful that if i dont like my body i can exercise to make it look better, and if a certain behavior of mine isn't working in my life i can change it. Like the lying for example.
How can one lie destroy so much that is built over a period of time? I am still so eaten alive by my lie to my mom and RK on Thursday. I am still suffering the consequence, and its never happened to me before. Coming off drugs i am finding more and more that i have a conscious. That i truly and deeply care for everyone in the world around, and as much as i may be only one person and insignificant to the world, i am significant to the people around me, in my life. My actions can affect others.
The only thing i can do is work on myself. If i just keep doing the right thing, even though it may be the hardest, i can begin to feel better about myself and the people around me that trust and have faith in me can feel better about being around me too. I am so grateful that even at times, when i think i have nothing, i still have things. I have a higher power that loves me and is always looking down on me, and i have myself. I am also grateful today that i have a best friend, a true friend that is always there for me, like i always wished for. MH is awesome, she gets me thinking about things that really matter to me.
In the rooms, whether i talk to some people or not, i have compassion for everyone, and i feel what other people are feeling if that makes any sense. When someone is struggling, my heart goes out to them for we are all one. We are all connected in being human. We arent perfect, we make mistakes.
I thank my higher power for giving me freedom to live and make my own choices, and i can learn from my mistakes and that he is a forgiving god to allow me to move on and not have to sit in the shit i create sometimes. I want to move on. I want to live my life to its fullest potential and only do the things I am truly passionate about.
Like whatever happened to my goal of being a veterinarian, of being a photographer for the national geographic, of being a columnist, of being a singer/guitarist/songwriter. Why cant i have those dreams again?
Growing up i saw how materialized the world was around me and how little people appreciated what they had. I didnt though, i just saw the world as such a beautiful place it made me feel beautiful inside. It was all destroyed after i drank for the first time. I began to lose appreciation for everything that made me smile and laugh so dearly. I began loosing sight of the world and began finding it mundane and dull. I wanted to break away from it.
I thought my solution against society's conformity, ignorance, and dullness was through drugs. I began isolating myself and i thought i was enjoying my life, high and carefree. Everything seemed like a fairytale. But in the end i only found misery. I can not survive in a conquered world without being conquered myself. I have to be a productive member of society to survive. That's what im learning to do, how to be a part of society without compromising who i am. Is it wrong that i feel i feel this way?
Its a battle and a struggle everyday for me. Thats where my addiction calls to me. My addiction tells me to use so i can escape, escape reality where things cant always go my way and be beautiful all the time and be in my own world where i make my own rules and can be who i am however i want. Where it is beautiful all the time. But of course once you take the drugs away, you go right back into reality and it just gets shitter and shitter.
This is because you begin to live your life trying to survive in a world that doesnt exist, a drug world. In the mean time, your reality is progressing worse. Some never get out of the fairy tale and wind up in jails, institution, and others die. Using drugs takes a way a part of your soul every single time you go out and use. Until your left with no understanding of reality- of who you are and where you are going. You love the drug with all your heart, but it will never love you back.
Have a good night..