So i am all over the place. i have no medication. i have been working my ass off, everyday from 10-6 then i have so many commitments including meetings to attend after. I feel like im going to give out any day now. I also fear for my recovery, i know that whatever i put before my recovery i will lose and im definitely testing those waters right now.
So basically i have been working everyday not doing much, but i went swimming and hiking again on wednesday with CB,G, and her boyfriend T. I got really tanned on my shoulders from it. Even on wednesday i was exhausted from working so much lately. My mom found out about my blog so she took my laptop away. I mean come on. Freedom Of Speech. My family feels that i should not be posting on the internet that i am a drug addict but i am not ashamed, in fact i embrace it. For i know if it wasnt for all that i went through and the things ive done i wouldnt be where i am right now in my life. I know its exactly where i'm meant to be.
I finially talked to my sponsor on tuesday at the hillsdale meeting and she's giving me one more chance im so grateful i still have one person i can always call when im going through shit. I also have to take back everything i said about RK. I totally fucked everything up with him. I tried but couldnt be patient about the situation and have self control. I was selfish, bratty, egotistical, and essentually obnoxious. I definitely didnt respect myself the last time i saw him, lets just leave it at that. He said that i pushed for it and ruined everything that we could of had to look forward to. I guess he is right. I dont think im at an okay place in my life yet to be able to handle a boy, im not okay with myself, let alone with another boy. Maybe i am a sex addict too, my counselor at high focus used to tell me that. I crave it as much as i do the drugs, but it might just be for boys in general.
I hate the feeling of being alone, i try to avoid it at all costs. I cant seem to stand myself and just sit with myself. I think i might not like who i am, i dont know for sure. I dont know what i dont like, but there has to be something if i cant be alone and still be happy. Happiness is such a strange word, strange emotion. On my graduation at high focus, every one in your group had to give you a gift, RK gave me the gift of happiness, how ironic is that?
Last night i was talking to my best friend MH about what we want to do when we get older. We both want to make a difference in the world and help people and i just see alot of my dreams coming back again. I see the light in them again. When i was using i said i cared about the people around me yet my actions showed me to be hypocritical. I was selfish, self centered at the end of every day. But now i can mean the things i say. I want to spend every summer after the college going to different parts of the world and help people. Going to the amazon and helping to find natural remedies to sicknesses would be my dream. I just find it such a shame that the world's tree population is only at 26% and we're still tearing down natural habitat.
Its so funny because i dont know what i would do in my life without music. Listening to good music with meaning just sends such good vibes throughout my body that help me feel so alive when i dont feel it at times. Like i didnt think i could get through today because i have been feeling so dead, but the fact that i had music playing at all my jobs helped much today. They give me a filling sensation in the pit of my stomach and i just wish i wasnt at work right now so i can rock out. lol i have no insightful words today but just whats going on with me. havea great friday everyone!
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