So another day at the beach house. Oh if you didnt know, i came down the shore with the family that i babysit for on saturday. Im here until next saturday. This really is the break i need. I took LD, she's two years old, in the pool with her life jacket on and i enjoyed myself. Its funny because all i wanted to do was watch the kids and tan until she came in. But i did go in the freezing pool with her because i know it would make her happy. Well and because its my job too. She was so happy, it made me happy. Also earlier this morning i was watching JD playing video games and the younger brother JD, whos four, woke up, came to me on the couch, and laid next to me. Hes so cute, i love him and i know he loves me too. I wish the boys never had to grow up and i could babysit them forever.
This makes me want to question what i want to do with my life. I think between teaching, daycare, restaurant management, or help animals in someway. But im also good at biology and technology and would love to get into a computer programming field. I dont know. I just feel so much clear headed being here. I know what i want today and im ready to reach for it. I want to focus on myself, i need to, otherwise i will be going in and out of rehabs bullshitting around for the rest of my life. Im just sick of the games that my addiction plays on me and im over it, im not listening to my fucked up thinking anymore.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
We can build a brand new world, and have another way.
i am like at peace today. im so glad that i am away from everything and down the shore for the week. I can see clearly all the things i never paid attention to. i am finding my strength to overcome the things that i have been suffering so much over.
I am seeing outside the box of all the drama within the rooms and im fighting it. Im staying away but i am also standing up for myself which i never do. I always just go with the flow and do what people want but not anymore. I was selfish in my addiction but now im going to be selfish in my recovery. I am going to do me and only me. I see others struggling to do that but i am at a part of my life where i have overcome that struggle.
I have been coming to the rooms for a year now almost and im ready. I am ready for a new life filled with faith, hope, and inspiration. I am willing to do whatever it takes to exceed in my life and not care about others. I am sick of being a people pleaser, of pretending to be someone that im not, of dealing with sick people, some that are sicker than others. I know that i am sick too but at least im self aware. Today someone told me that they could say so much shit to me but why do i care? what could they possibly say to me that i dont already know. duhhh. I know what's right and wrong but sometimes i am impulsive and just do what i want regardless if its moral or not. Its definitely something i know and need to work on. Im sorry to everyone that i have hurt for my impulsive actions, but i have always done and its a working progress to change, its not going to happen overnight.
I am seeing outside the box of all the drama within the rooms and im fighting it. Im staying away but i am also standing up for myself which i never do. I always just go with the flow and do what people want but not anymore. I was selfish in my addiction but now im going to be selfish in my recovery. I am going to do me and only me. I see others struggling to do that but i am at a part of my life where i have overcome that struggle.
I have been coming to the rooms for a year now almost and im ready. I am ready for a new life filled with faith, hope, and inspiration. I am willing to do whatever it takes to exceed in my life and not care about others. I am sick of being a people pleaser, of pretending to be someone that im not, of dealing with sick people, some that are sicker than others. I know that i am sick too but at least im self aware. Today someone told me that they could say so much shit to me but why do i care? what could they possibly say to me that i dont already know. duhhh. I know what's right and wrong but sometimes i am impulsive and just do what i want regardless if its moral or not. Its definitely something i know and need to work on. Im sorry to everyone that i have hurt for my impulsive actions, but i have always done and its a working progress to change, its not going to happen overnight.
Friday, August 20, 2010
i got that rock and roll, that future flow.
im just sitting outside my deck right now smoking a cigarette and thinking. is it bad that im sitting around thinking right now? im just so in my head projecting on the future. I mean i truly dont see anything going for me its almost depressing. But at the same time i dont want anything, you know. I want to be happy and thats it. I dont want to find happiness in anything in life. I want to be happy from nothing and no reason. i can honestly say ive only ever found happiness in being in love but i dont want that this time. All this thinking is making me miss my ex TR. Three and a half years and i never appreciated him. Just like i never appreciate anything. Im just scared though because what if that love that we had is as good as love will ever get too. Im just finding everything overrated right now. Everything but getting high. I kinda want to. Music keeps me sane thank god for it.
Im just realizing that i want to be normal and i know i can be. Not as a using drug addict, not as a recovering addict. Just a normal person who puts their past behind and just moves on. i dont want to be remembering everyday the things that i did with drugs by going to meetings and "keeping it green." i just want to move on from this irresponsible reckless phase and be mature, like a fucking adult. i dont want to meet the right guy and be like, "uh yeah i did mad drugs and im recovering from them." Like thats not me, i am over it. Im over the whole using drugs and im over going to meetings to "recover" from drugs. Im ready to go out and make normal friends at college and have a solid group of friends and just be able to have self displine and go out and enjoy myself and my life.
i dont know where life will take me but i know its past the drugs and its past the rooms. I am so glad im leaving tomorrow with the kids on vacation in Avalon. I really need a break from the chaos and just to be around normal people and mentally prepare myself for school. That's my only goal right now, to make it to school everyday and to do it to the best of my ability. That's all i want. ANDDD a car lol. i dont know im always saying i dont know but because i really dont know. I go too much w the flow and what everyone else wants but what about what i want. Im over having sex with anyone or anybody. I want to do it with someone i love and thats it. I know its never been meaningful for me but why does it always have to be like that. I changed my mind i dont want to get high, and the only reason i said that is because i just want to take a break and CHILL. im excited for school to start and who knows where it leads me. Pray for me.
Im just realizing that i want to be normal and i know i can be. Not as a using drug addict, not as a recovering addict. Just a normal person who puts their past behind and just moves on. i dont want to be remembering everyday the things that i did with drugs by going to meetings and "keeping it green." i just want to move on from this irresponsible reckless phase and be mature, like a fucking adult. i dont want to meet the right guy and be like, "uh yeah i did mad drugs and im recovering from them." Like thats not me, i am over it. Im over the whole using drugs and im over going to meetings to "recover" from drugs. Im ready to go out and make normal friends at college and have a solid group of friends and just be able to have self displine and go out and enjoy myself and my life.
i dont know where life will take me but i know its past the drugs and its past the rooms. I am so glad im leaving tomorrow with the kids on vacation in Avalon. I really need a break from the chaos and just to be around normal people and mentally prepare myself for school. That's my only goal right now, to make it to school everyday and to do it to the best of my ability. That's all i want. ANDDD a car lol. i dont know im always saying i dont know but because i really dont know. I go too much w the flow and what everyone else wants but what about what i want. Im over having sex with anyone or anybody. I want to do it with someone i love and thats it. I know its never been meaningful for me but why does it always have to be like that. I changed my mind i dont want to get high, and the only reason i said that is because i just want to take a break and CHILL. im excited for school to start and who knows where it leads me. Pray for me.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
He's the wanderer looking for his long lost home, he's only got one place to go...
So i know i havent written in a while and alot has happened but i cannot dwell on the past so its whatever. To sum everything up KM dicked me over and started dating RK. TW said he hates me and i havent seen him in weeks. In all honesty im flad cuz it has helped me to get over him, not that im honestly there yet. I still think i have resentments for being dicked over. My sister went to Italy and back and just left yesterday to DR and will be back Saturday. I finished summer classes and got an A in Religions and a B in English, which im so proud of. Ooooo also, im getting a car before daddy goes away on August 11th !!!
I am at a place in my life where no one can bring me down but myself. Its my own actions that affect my feelings and not what others due to me. I havent felt the need since thursday (lol i would remember the day) to surround myself with drama and all the petty bullshit. My head and fucked up thinking gives me enough drama, nevermind others. Today i am really grateful to be clean. i need to call my freaking sponsor before going to bed thank god i just remembered.
Okay so i havent had a cigarette since friday but i still cant quit. Ill prob have to sneak out on my roof and have one before bed tonight. I cant believe i have to still sneak it from my family. Im twenty years old !!! Believe it or nottt. I know im still kid hearted but i like it that im 20 and can still enjoy life like im 14 again. More and more each day im becoming more outgoing and more able to put myself out there and its awesome. Im blossoming awwwwww jk.
The thing is my mind always tries to fill me with doubt and have expectations with others and it only leads to disappoint. Thats why i dont expect anything from anyone anymore, i expect whatever happens to be whatever i dont let it even phase me. So i also am learning my lessons from self sabatoging myself. Like i have been talking to Someone going through a rough time themselves but like i told him i couldnt anymore cuz honestly i would only be hurting him and myself! Why would we want to do that to ourselves?! i know there are feelings involved and sexual frustration but this is all teaching me self control and self discipline and im loving myself for it.
okay so my laptop battery is about to die so i will either write tomorrow or after i smoke a cigarette. Paaaace.
I am at a place in my life where no one can bring me down but myself. Its my own actions that affect my feelings and not what others due to me. I havent felt the need since thursday (lol i would remember the day) to surround myself with drama and all the petty bullshit. My head and fucked up thinking gives me enough drama, nevermind others. Today i am really grateful to be clean. i need to call my freaking sponsor before going to bed thank god i just remembered.
Okay so i havent had a cigarette since friday but i still cant quit. Ill prob have to sneak out on my roof and have one before bed tonight. I cant believe i have to still sneak it from my family. Im twenty years old !!! Believe it or nottt. I know im still kid hearted but i like it that im 20 and can still enjoy life like im 14 again. More and more each day im becoming more outgoing and more able to put myself out there and its awesome. Im blossoming awwwwww jk.
The thing is my mind always tries to fill me with doubt and have expectations with others and it only leads to disappoint. Thats why i dont expect anything from anyone anymore, i expect whatever happens to be whatever i dont let it even phase me. So i also am learning my lessons from self sabatoging myself. Like i have been talking to Someone going through a rough time themselves but like i told him i couldnt anymore cuz honestly i would only be hurting him and myself! Why would we want to do that to ourselves?! i know there are feelings involved and sexual frustration but this is all teaching me self control and self discipline and im loving myself for it.
okay so my laptop battery is about to die so i will either write tomorrow or after i smoke a cigarette. Paaaace.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
We'll stand together until the very end
today i woke up really down on myself. I dont think im obsessing over the whole TW thing, in fact im handling it quite well, better than i ever have with any guy situation. I think its normal to still be hurt within a week of it happening. Im not too worried about it because usually the time i am with a guy, if he dumps me, im usually over him in half the time i was with him. SO i was only with TW for a month so ill be over it in two weeks. One more week to go!
Anyways, i stole two things today. I feel kinda guilty about it. I was bummed out because after doing the second pickpocket i realized i wasnt doing the day to the best of my ability. What a downer on myself it was. But i bounced back up and had an amazing day at work again. Third day in a row since i have been trying to truly change and it feels good. I am going to work excited to be there instead of being all puss about it. Its to a point where i dont want to leave work, like at all. I dont know as much as i get paid only 8.60 an hour which is jack shit, i like what i do. I like working in retail.
I just wish i got a better salary or something because i feel for the work i do, i should be getting alot more. I mean come on its only been two days of doing good at work and im already expecting more. Typical addict. Just like i dont lie to my mom once and i expect to be trusted even though im about to lie again. Its funny how fucked up our minds work, theyre like a thing of their own, and its pretty intense sometimes.
I am learning through prayer today that its when i can be most honest. When you cant find honesty in anything you say or do, in prayer you can always honest. Because youre praying to a higher power that you know is forgiving and loving no matter what you say or do. Well that is for my god anyways. I do believe at the same time though that when your only praying for a relief of your consciuous god doesnt listen to that bullshit. only when u speak from the heart and in honesty are your prayers answered.
...
i just came home from babysitting and im really down on myself, AGAIN. Im just sick of na and really want to give them a piece of my mind. i think this whole TW thing fucked me over more than im playing it out to be. I might be in relapse mode and i dont even know. sometimes i am totally in it and sometimes i manage to pull myself together, by gods grace. like in my summer classes at bergen all i have to do is tell my friend JQ to come get me and i can use. i could call him right now to pick me up and he would. i just wish i had a car its bothering me ALOT. its been eight months. i wish i could go to a fucking meeting whereever i want right now. then i wont have to pretend to like certain people and be fake with them just so they can give me rides. I miss real people, i miss being able to have deep conversations about life with real people and being able to smoke a blunt and chill.
God damn it i need MH right now. i dont know what i am doing right now without her. im going insane right now. im so fucked up. my head is fucked. i just have to make it through the night right now and ill be fine. I just need to make it til tomorrow morning at 915 am where grace will be picking me up and taking me to a meeting and everything will be okay. but what the fuck will a meeting do anyways?! its all backstabbing high school drama and bullshit all over again. everyone is fake and has the word fucking asshole across their forehead and its too much. I am having really bad anxiety and i havent even had anxiety in a while.
Maybe im doing it again, being paranoid, thinking everyone is fucked up and out to get me and each other but isnt that how life always is? dont we not look for anything other than our own wellbeing? i mean we re fucking addicts, at the end of the day it doesnt matter shit what weve done cuz we only truly care about ourselves and our wellbeing. i dont know this shit spot better go away or im going to go crazy. Im going to take my sleeping meds now, smoke a cigarette, and not stay up cuz it might seriously kill me right now.
Anyways, i stole two things today. I feel kinda guilty about it. I was bummed out because after doing the second pickpocket i realized i wasnt doing the day to the best of my ability. What a downer on myself it was. But i bounced back up and had an amazing day at work again. Third day in a row since i have been trying to truly change and it feels good. I am going to work excited to be there instead of being all puss about it. Its to a point where i dont want to leave work, like at all. I dont know as much as i get paid only 8.60 an hour which is jack shit, i like what i do. I like working in retail.
I just wish i got a better salary or something because i feel for the work i do, i should be getting alot more. I mean come on its only been two days of doing good at work and im already expecting more. Typical addict. Just like i dont lie to my mom once and i expect to be trusted even though im about to lie again. Its funny how fucked up our minds work, theyre like a thing of their own, and its pretty intense sometimes.
I am learning through prayer today that its when i can be most honest. When you cant find honesty in anything you say or do, in prayer you can always honest. Because youre praying to a higher power that you know is forgiving and loving no matter what you say or do. Well that is for my god anyways. I do believe at the same time though that when your only praying for a relief of your consciuous god doesnt listen to that bullshit. only when u speak from the heart and in honesty are your prayers answered.
...
i just came home from babysitting and im really down on myself, AGAIN. Im just sick of na and really want to give them a piece of my mind. i think this whole TW thing fucked me over more than im playing it out to be. I might be in relapse mode and i dont even know. sometimes i am totally in it and sometimes i manage to pull myself together, by gods grace. like in my summer classes at bergen all i have to do is tell my friend JQ to come get me and i can use. i could call him right now to pick me up and he would. i just wish i had a car its bothering me ALOT. its been eight months. i wish i could go to a fucking meeting whereever i want right now. then i wont have to pretend to like certain people and be fake with them just so they can give me rides. I miss real people, i miss being able to have deep conversations about life with real people and being able to smoke a blunt and chill.
God damn it i need MH right now. i dont know what i am doing right now without her. im going insane right now. im so fucked up. my head is fucked. i just have to make it through the night right now and ill be fine. I just need to make it til tomorrow morning at 915 am where grace will be picking me up and taking me to a meeting and everything will be okay. but what the fuck will a meeting do anyways?! its all backstabbing high school drama and bullshit all over again. everyone is fake and has the word fucking asshole across their forehead and its too much. I am having really bad anxiety and i havent even had anxiety in a while.
Maybe im doing it again, being paranoid, thinking everyone is fucked up and out to get me and each other but isnt that how life always is? dont we not look for anything other than our own wellbeing? i mean we re fucking addicts, at the end of the day it doesnt matter shit what weve done cuz we only truly care about ourselves and our wellbeing. i dont know this shit spot better go away or im going to go crazy. Im going to take my sleeping meds now, smoke a cigarette, and not stay up cuz it might seriously kill me right now.
Cant never count me out, ya'll better count me in...
After last night ive just been different. I went to high focus alumni night and i truly got something out of it. I shared my opinion about how important the program is for me. I shared my experience strength and hope for others in the the room. Whether or not everyone got something out of it, it didnt matter for me. i got something out of it. I spoke from the heart and it felt good to do that.
i woke up this morning wanting to be the best that i can be and so far today i have done that. I am proud of myself. As much as i am hurt by the whole thing with TW it has only made me stronger and more confident. I know what i have to offer others today, and they can take it or leave it. But most importantly i will always have what i have to offer. i am who i am and even thought im still getting to know me i like me so far.
After what i did on monday night, i didnt feel good about myself. When i was using i would of been proud but today doing malicious things dont make me feel good about myself, especially when im using my body. I want to be respected today not look at as a piece of ass. only in time, as long as i continue to stay clean, pray, and work on myself will i be able to respect myself and be respected.
i am starting to find out the things that i like doing. I am so excited my life is slowly but surely moving forward and that im growing. I have found that i have an interest in religion and my passion for history is coming back. I just cant wait to be at that point in my life where i know what im doing and where its going. I cant wait for the things God has to give me in the future. I can only pray and be grateful today for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come.
I also spoke with my sponsor for ten minutes today what a record. i told her everything from how im feeling to what i did on monday. Getting honest with myself and others is truly the first step i need to take in my recovery. its what i struggle with the most, but i know eventually i will be confident with myself and wont need to hide who i am and do what i want through lies.
I saw TW tonight at my friend CS's house. he didnt say a word to me. honestly im so hurt by it. i honestly put some of my feelings out there and just like that in one second it was all shattered for me. I ask god to give me the strength each and everyday since he ended it with me on sunday to get through these feelings. i know time takes time, and with that ill eventually be okay. I just cant hide behind my feelings anymore i need to face them. i just cant pick up no matter what and everything will be okay. Once i do that, all bets are off and there will be no hope for me. I dont know im struggling deep inside but i will be okay.
thank you god for everything you have given me and the things in my life you have for me in the future.
i woke up this morning wanting to be the best that i can be and so far today i have done that. I am proud of myself. As much as i am hurt by the whole thing with TW it has only made me stronger and more confident. I know what i have to offer others today, and they can take it or leave it. But most importantly i will always have what i have to offer. i am who i am and even thought im still getting to know me i like me so far.
After what i did on monday night, i didnt feel good about myself. When i was using i would of been proud but today doing malicious things dont make me feel good about myself, especially when im using my body. I want to be respected today not look at as a piece of ass. only in time, as long as i continue to stay clean, pray, and work on myself will i be able to respect myself and be respected.
i am starting to find out the things that i like doing. I am so excited my life is slowly but surely moving forward and that im growing. I have found that i have an interest in religion and my passion for history is coming back. I just cant wait to be at that point in my life where i know what im doing and where its going. I cant wait for the things God has to give me in the future. I can only pray and be grateful today for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come.
I also spoke with my sponsor for ten minutes today what a record. i told her everything from how im feeling to what i did on monday. Getting honest with myself and others is truly the first step i need to take in my recovery. its what i struggle with the most, but i know eventually i will be confident with myself and wont need to hide who i am and do what i want through lies.
I saw TW tonight at my friend CS's house. he didnt say a word to me. honestly im so hurt by it. i honestly put some of my feelings out there and just like that in one second it was all shattered for me. I ask god to give me the strength each and everyday since he ended it with me on sunday to get through these feelings. i know time takes time, and with that ill eventually be okay. I just cant hide behind my feelings anymore i need to face them. i just cant pick up no matter what and everything will be okay. Once i do that, all bets are off and there will be no hope for me. I dont know im struggling deep inside but i will be okay.
thank you god for everything you have given me and the things in my life you have for me in the future.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
We all get burned, those who survive are the ones that learn..
So i havent journalled or blogged in so long. I guess alot has happened, not really though. Me and TW just broke up on Sunday and im kinda really hurt by it. I just didnt think it would happen right now. Everything was going really good, and im so grateful i kept my distance but i did put myself out there to an extent, and i was hurt. I am forced to sit with my feelings now and it freaking sucks. I hate it to be honest. I just know that if i can survive this clean i can do anything. One of my biggest triggers for relapse is relationships. So why do i continuously do this to myself? I dont really know. I need to start learning from my mistakes instead of saying i dont care and repeating them consistently.
Today i tell myself i am okay. But i really am okay today. My worst day clean still does not compare to my best day using and if i keep that in perspective i can continue to work through this addiction. I believe i have 66 days or so today and it is such a miracle. i am just looking forward to the day i can write my name and number for with those who have 90 days clean or more for the newcomer. I cant wait to start working my steps. i cant wait for the day that i could speak on my experience strength and hope with others that struggle just as i do. I cant wait to be able to commitments to help others. I cant wait to help others.
Today i tell myself i am okay. But i really am okay today. My worst day clean still does not compare to my best day using and if i keep that in perspective i can continue to work through this addiction. I believe i have 66 days or so today and it is such a miracle. i am just looking forward to the day i can write my name and number for with those who have 90 days clean or more for the newcomer. I cant wait to start working my steps. i cant wait for the day that i could speak on my experience strength and hope with others that struggle just as i do. I cant wait to be able to commitments to help others. I cant wait to help others.
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