Coming out your mouth with you blah, blah, blah.

I broke down crying today. Its so wierd. For the last week or so i have been convincing myself im okay and trying to stay centered no matter whats going on. I just feel like im masking whats really going on with me inside. i know i cant use or anything because i have so much to lose. But at the same time i feel like i am so confused because i dont know who i am and i never know how im truly feeling about anything thats going on around me. Things are happening and im convincing myself im okay when im not.
I pulled the same bullshit when i was using. I was getting molested, getting in bad situations, getting taken advantage of and i would convince myself i was okay and that i could handle it. Those things werent okay, i know that today.And now im going through each day living the normal life, a clean life, and sometimes things dont always work out and yeah i should not overanalyze or be overdramatic but i should also be able to sit with my feelings above everything. What is it that i hate about myself so much that i cant be alone?
i dont know i might as well spill everything thats bothering me. I hate the fact that my sister is gone and im not missing her. I dont even care if she didnt come back, which is so evil on my part. Im so annoyed that my mom doesnt appreciate what she has and has to complain about everything. Im pissed off that i cried and made this huge thing, even talking to TW about RK being missing, and RK doesnt even give a fuck about me. He doesnt give a rats ass, he has no emotion whatsoever. Im mad at myself because i kinda am ruining things with TW now too. Im overanalyzing and taking myself way too seriously. But at the same time why shouldnt i take myself seriously? Thats what im struggling with.Im trying to find the medium between being promiscuous and self respect. Im trying to find the medium between independence and dependence. Im trying to find the medium between self control and letting loose. I always go from one extreme to the next and im never in the middle of it and it fucking sucks.
Like with the TW thing, im either all in it some days and other days i want to tell him to go fuck himself. And its for no apparent reason. I can also be really down for just having fun and enjoying his company but then i get so serious and debby down on everything. Some days im truly having feelings from him but then other days im legit just trying to fill a void. Like he said good night in the car and he would text me tomorrow but i want him to text me now. Because i cant even sit with myself and write about how im feeling. Then i want a boyfriend but i want to be able to talk to whom i want when i want. I mean how many more mixed signals could one guy take?!
I just really feel like i need to let go of the things that have happened and yeah i didnt sit with my feelings over them, but i need to start fresh. Like tomorrow is a new day, thank god, and im just going to start fresh with myself and from now on truly think, without overthinking, and sit with my feelings, without obsessing. Cuz just like with using, once i start overthinking and analyzing shit, all bets are off and im off to the races freaking out and making shit worse. Today was a good start though, i called my sponsor and actually cried to her about what i was feeling.
i think too much and get get all confused and hung-up running from thought to thought. It's because my fears are getting the best of me, and i dont want to mess up. But there comes a point where i need to stop worrying and start living- living in the moment, the here and now.

That's right baby, im going crazy.

I apologize for not having been writing but im in such a wierd place right now. I havent called my sponsor and i have been isolating. I dont think i want to use, but what else could it be? My sister is in italy, but she is safe. My mom is sick, but she is safe. But RK isnt safe. He was kicked out of his rehab, and they dropped him off at a bus stop without calling his parents. The bus only goes three ways- camden, pittsburg, and atlantic city. He got on the bus, that's all we know. What if he's dead right now? He only had $20 and his clothing, i mean what could he possibly do with himself. I bet he's scared right now, im so scared for him. Im crying just thinking that he might be hurt right now. His parents just want him home, i just want him home.
I suffer when others are suffering. I dont like to see people hurt and die because it makes me so upset. I dont know what else to say, im guilty because his mom said he talked about me to them sometimes and im busy starting something new and fresh with TW. Without the arguing, bickering, and backstabbing. It actually feels quite nice when im with him. Like last night. We went to his house and played spades. Instead of going to the night owls meeting, we had a meeting at his house, and it actually was quite liberating.
I was with MJ SM and his girlfriend also and its so funny how much we related to each other when we shared, and we helped each other out with whatever each of us are going through. I dont know all bullshit aside, i have been real testy lately and legit biting peoples heads off every time they try talking to me. I am okay, but i feel myself sinking down more and more. Im scared about it. Im losing my patience, humility, qratefulness. Im overall just down on myself. My mind is playing tricks on me making me believe everything is worse than it seems again, that i dont feel good about myself because my life sucks and i should pick up and use. This is a real test for me because i feel my head boiling up to a headache just thinking about using.
Whenever i have a headache it discloses two signs, i need drugs or a cigarette. Since i clearly cannot smoke because my mom is walking about here at home, im stuck suffering.
I dont know how much more i can handle before i go off the walls. Its going to happen one of these days, im going to lose it.

I'm lost, so lost, so lost, I'm falling down.

I am going to puke right now. RK is missing, he is fucking missing. Its so wierd because he pops into my head at least once a day because i care about him so much. I dont know what the fuck is going on and where i stand right now. I need to sleep this off. Have a good night.

Rain falls on my shoulders, sun rises in the east, I'm worn and bruised but I am here at least.

So i am doing a bit of light reading right now. I start summer classes at Bergen Community next week so I'm trying to get ahead of the game. In reading my religions of the world book, i found two sentences that really has struck out to me. It says, "The rhetoric of preaching and the quiet of meditation, the ornate garb and stylized motions of elaborate ritual, and the gladsome tones of gospel music, all say reality has more to it than the everyday. These "signs" also say that this extraordinary reality, this "something more" touches human life and can be felt, channeled, and made manifest by special means."
When i was using i had no connections to my higher power. I consistently questioned the existence of god. But the thing is i was never honest with him, with myself. I would pray empty promises with doubt in the back of my mind. I didnt trust him because i didnt think i was being heard and that he was even real. He did hear me always but he couldnt help me when i was using. But its so different today. When i pray and think of my higher power i truly believe and feel the "something more" that the reading was talking about.
My family is pentecostal and has always been very religious and i never took it serious until i got cleaned. I get prayed for by my pastor who is spoken to by the lord. God channels through him to help other people and deliver his message to them. I have felt my higher power and i trust in him today. Sometimes my higher power is in the rooms of narcotics anonymous and sometimes its just a god of my own understanding.
My god is truly a forgiving god. He knows of my past and my sins and he still gives me life, he still gives me chances. Most importantly he still loves me. He answers every prayer of mine today. He keeps me at peace and allows me to live and learn continuously.
My pastor praying for me has helped me to overcome my guilt and shame from my past. I dont let it affect me anymore. I know i wasnt myself when i was using, and even though my character defects became a part of who i am, i am trying to change that today. From the lying to the stealing to the manipulating i am trying to change. From jumping from boy to boy, having sex with whomever i am trying to change.
I cant say it enough but i am such a different person today. I have hope for my life today, i know i will be going somewhere. I trust that even though i dont have everything i want in life, god has given me the things i need right now, and he has more to give me in the future. I am learning to have patience for those things, and not act on impulse as i always have. I know that with every problem god puts in my way there is a solution so i have to stay positive. It all tests the strength i have in me, and after all i have been through to be able to overcome an addiction, i know i have strength.
I know today that my best day high cannot compare to my worst day sober. I could feel like the world is ending for me but i know i didnt get high today and that gives me peace no matter what i may be dealing with. I am at such a centered stay of mind and it is not going away and i love it. I dont feel the need to be overdramatic about situations and i can continuously think with a realistic mentality. I have work at ten tomorrow so im going to bed. Have a good night!

Drop it, hit it, dump it, split it, don't stop (get it get it) .

Sweet life. Im hanging in there. The lyric i titled for my blog speaks so much to me. Im dropping over whats going on with my whole job situation i know that my higher power has something better in store for me. Im hitting up life to the best of my ability and not putting up with drama. Im dumping people in my life that are no good for me and being with the people that are good. Im not stopping at nothing in my recovery im just doing everything i can to get better. GET IT GET IT.
I love music it makes me so alive and connected at times when i feel so disconnected to the world. It brings good vibes throughout my body i just want to rock out right now.
ANYWAYS, i still love life. RK went away to rehab today and im bummed out about it. I hate when people have to go to rehab i never want to be at that point ever againn. Im at a point i am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. Life has its ups and downs but youre always where you're supposed to be. You're meant to go through things in your life for a reason. They are all trials to test how strong of a person you can be. We all have strength in us, its just a matter of finding that strength to overcome the things you're going through. Its just a relief to know that i dont have to freak out or dramatize anything anymore, cuz i have my whole life for oppurtunites, and some let downs, and i will embrace them forever with open arms.
Thats how i keep the peace within myself. I stay positive and even when im having a bad day i know in time i will be okay. My desire to use has almost been lifted and even though there are times i wish i could be high or drunk i know now that its not what i truly want, in my heart.
Our minds are complex, more than we know it. Its designed on wants versus needs, and its because of that we struggle. We expect things to go our way, when we want but it doesnt work like that. Life's on life's terms, not ours.

Trouble with you is the trouble with me, got two good eyes but we still dont see.

Yo i am in such a wierd place right now. I feel good, I feel relieved but its for the worst reason. Ive been binging, and its in full effect again. I dont know why i go from one addiction to the other, why must i do this to myself. I am bulimic. I havent done it in a while, since rehab in florida, and now its back. I dont remember if its one of my signs of relapse or not, god i should of written my relapse signs down. Anyways, i feel my teeth and gums getting that old rubbery smooth feeling again and my nose is all runny and my throat hurts. It fucking sucks. Last time i ended up with really bad stomach ulcers and i dont want to go through that shit again. Am i using this to substitute my drug addiction? who knows. i feel like my mind and thoughts are disconnected from me because i cant seem to understand them.
I was reading this book called the power of now as i mentioned i believe in a previous blog and it teaches you to read your thoughts. Yet i dont freaking hear anything when i try and listen. I have no clue where my head is at, and im scared a little. My addiction comes from my fucked up thinking and now i cant hear what im thinking at all. Its like in hiding and when it comes out i think i might go crazy. Lets hope not.
I think the only thing i can do is express my worries and guilt right now, you know get things off my chest. My sister is leaving to Italy on friday and im going to miss her so much. Im also concerned on my behaviors with lying, cheating, and stealing. My behaviors also include my lack of self respect and morals. And finally i am concerned about my mom.
I am learning each and every day to be humble and honest. I am learning to appreciate the things i have and not look to the things i dont have. Ive gotten pretty good at doing that and keeping things into perspective. Oh by the way i am the worst sponsee ever being all complacent and shit. I also havent been taking my ADHD medicine so im all over the place, like what the fuck is going on with me.
Anyway

Dont you wish your girlfriend was raw like me.

There's something i learned a long time ago from my friend MW that i love with all my heart. He told me that at the end of the day, all you've got is your name and your word. From such an immature 20 yr old (no offense!) i got so much out of that statement. When i was using my word was a shot to hell. I made all the promises in the world and couldnt keep one. From planning to be there for someone to something as little as being there for myself. I couldnt do it, drugs robbed me of that, of my dependability.
Today i dont have that. I am dependeable. When i am told to show up for work, i do it no matter what. When i tell someone im going to do something i do it (most of the times). I know i cant please everyone and there are times when i have to please myself. Its a working process drawing the line but im starting to get it.
Using i had no chance at anything. Not for a future, a present, or past. I coped regretting for things i did by doing more things that i regretted. I didnt have a life, i had a drug obsession. I couldnt see myself ever stopping. I honestly thought i would bum around from friend's house to house for the rest of my life and just do drugs and i could never be stopped. Even when i was caught by family, friends, and police all getting me to stop what i was doing, i couldnt stop.
Thats why im so grateful for this program, for Narcotics Anonymous. Its teachhing me so much and keeping me clean. I just am at such an awe about life, its unbelievable. Yeah im tired, things dont always go my way, and i want to many things. But that's the thing, i didnt even intentionally mean to write- i want too many things. I want the car, the job, the college, the friends, the partying, and the boyfriend. I want to dress and look as good as my coworkers at the shoe store i work in. I want it all, but life's on life's terms.
I am learning to humble myself and look towards the things i have and not what i dont have. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin, and just have fun with myself. I am learning to laugh again, and be patient, and kind, and selfless. I am learning to feel music running through my body again, without caring about every other person. I am learning to be happy with my family just the way they are. I am learning that i am exactly where im supposed to be, and i have everything im supposed to have. I learning to accept that my life is a certain way and to be with people that just get it.
My old friends used to make me feel inferior because i didnt have their lifestyle. My new friends embrace it. My old friends pressured me into doing things i didnt feel comfortable doing. My new friends tell me to stay away from bad people, places, and things. They want to see me do good for myself even at times when i dont want it.
I dont know i love life. I am fucking exhausted and im working all next week too which is making me nervous but i dont care. Life is amazing and perfect just the way it is. Its the one and only life i have so i have to enjoy it as much as i can. Because as much as we dont acknowledge it, time is moving and moving fast. The twenty yeras i had of my life is gone, especially the last five years of using, they flew by. Drugs robbed me of them, but not today.

Im a mess in a dress, cant show up in time even if it would save my life.

So i am all over the place. i have no medication. i have been working my ass off, everyday from 10-6 then i have so many commitments including meetings to attend after. I feel like im going to give out any day now. I also fear for my recovery, i know that whatever i put before my recovery i will lose and im definitely testing those waters right now.
So basically i have been working everyday not doing much, but i went swimming and hiking again on wednesday with CB,G, and her boyfriend T. I got really tanned on my shoulders from it. Even on wednesday i was exhausted from working so much lately. My mom found out about my blog so she took my laptop away. I mean come on. Freedom Of Speech. My family feels that i should not be posting on the internet that i am a drug addict but i am not ashamed, in fact i embrace it. For i know if it wasnt for all that i went through and the things ive done i wouldnt be where i am right now in my life. I know its exactly where i'm meant to be.
I finially talked to my sponsor on tuesday at the hillsdale meeting and she's giving me one more chance im so grateful i still have one person i can always call when im going through shit. I also have to take back everything i said about RK. I totally fucked everything up with him. I tried but couldnt be patient about the situation and have self control. I was selfish, bratty, egotistical, and essentually obnoxious. I definitely didnt respect myself the last time i saw him, lets just leave it at that. He said that i pushed for it and ruined everything that we could of had to look forward to. I guess he is right. I dont think im at an okay place in my life yet to be able to handle a boy, im not okay with myself, let alone with another boy. Maybe i am a sex addict too, my counselor at high focus used to tell me that. I crave it as much as i do the drugs, but it might just be for boys in general.
I hate the feeling of being alone, i try to avoid it at all costs. I cant seem to stand myself and just sit with myself. I think i might not like who i am, i dont know for sure. I dont know what i dont like, but there has to be something if i cant be alone and still be happy. Happiness is such a strange word, strange emotion. On my graduation at high focus, every one in your group had to give you a gift, RK gave me the gift of happiness, how ironic is that?
Last night i was talking to my best friend MH about what we want to do when we get older. We both want to make a difference in the world and help people and i just see alot of my dreams coming back again. I see the light in them again. When i was using i said i cared about the people around me yet my actions showed me to be hypocritical. I was selfish, self centered at the end of every day. But now i can mean the things i say. I want to spend every summer after the college going to different parts of the world and help people. Going to the amazon and helping to find natural remedies to sicknesses would be my dream. I just find it such a shame that the world's tree population is only at 26% and we're still tearing down natural habitat.
Its so funny because i dont know what i would do in my life without music. Listening to good music with meaning just sends such good vibes throughout my body that help me feel so alive when i dont feel it at times. Like i didnt think i could get through today because i have been feeling so dead, but the fact that i had music playing at all my jobs helped much today. They give me a filling sensation in the pit of my stomach and i just wish i wasnt at work right now so i can rock out. lol i have no insightful words today but just whats going on with me. havea great friday everyone!

I aint helping you climb the ladder, i'm busy climbing mine.

So i am at work right now and VO is managing today. She's so cool, very upfront girl telling it how it is. She has confidence and doesnt get intimidated by anyone. God do i strive to be someone like that.
I was talking to her about RK and she was telling me about her new boy too. She tells me that you can never change a guy and when they have qualities you dont want, then he's no good. The problem is that i dont know enough about RK so how can i know. I mean i am honestly defending him right now, because i think when he acts the way he does sometimes, is because maybe he's insecure? i dont really know. I just find him gorgeous, genuinely nice (except sometimes) and could get any girl in the world he wants. I think thats where my insecurities come out. I mean why would he go for a girl like me in the first place?
He seems like a pretty shallow guy, so it cannot be completely my personality that attracts him, and i think it mgiht be my looks. But i honestly dont find myself that attractive. I havent exercised in ages and i just dont care to present myself as much as other girls do. I tend to turn into a scrub in the summer and its bad.
But i just question, what makes us want to compete with each other and be shallow the way we are. Even i find myself judging others in just the way they look, never mind the way they talk and dress. I dont know i didnt take my vyvanse today so im all over the place.

And even when the wind is blowing, we'll never fall just keep on going.

I just came back from the reservation with JK and MH and it was so liberating. We hiked to the lake, went swimming, and just tanned. I am finding peace and serenity in being w nature and positive people. I love conscious people that can be real without drugs. That's what this program has given me. Real people.
Its also given me real problems. I am liberated from worrying about petty insignificant things. I dont have to be worried about cops, bitches, and backstabbers. No more getting pulled over with drug dealers in my car, no more bitches that pretend to be my friend, and no more backstabbers robbing me of my self-esteem.
I used to question what was wrong with me but that's not the case. Its what the fuck was wrong with the people i was with. And i never realized it for five fucking years. I was hanging out with the wrong people, simple fact. My addiction and the people that were apart of it took so much from me during that time. I lost my worth, values, morals, and respect. I was left with no hope, no faith, and no future. I had no soul, only left with my body, only to have it used and abused too. I dont blame anyone else but myself for allowing these things.
I am so grateful to have another chance today, to live my life differently. I am not perfect and still have problems. Things between me and RK suck dick right now, my mom isn't really talking to me, and I have to tell my new job I'm going to be taking summer classes. Maybe these things sound petty but they are of significance in my life right now.
But today i know my problems are always solvable. Theres no need to be angry, histerical, and overdramatic about any situation. Everything happens for a reason and even when youre suffering, just know that this too shall pass. With time, you will always be okay. Knowing this keeps me at peace.. most of the time.
For when i was using i was never okay, I was never at peace. I was angry, I was histerical, I was dramatic. I was hateful, cynical, and selfish. It was all about putting the next drug in my body. I couldnt give two shits that I was out of my house, being abused by some 'bitch', and failed school for a second time. I was at a point where i didnt care if i ever even saw my family again. I lied, i stole, i manipulated. My addiction maliced my thinking and actions. They, unfortunately, became a part of who i was.
So now im clean but its not enough. I thought it was in the beginning but its not. I have to change my whole way of thinking and doing things. I have to reprogram my brain to shut off from racing on the the future and past and just live in the moment. One day, one hour, one minute at a time if i have to. And the funniest thing is im actually starting to get how to do that. I was reading this book called the power of now by eckhart tolle and he talks about how you can actually listen to yourself thinking, how it looks at the past and is rushing for the future, how it judges. In doing so you can come to the realization that there is a greater being than just the thoughts racing in your head. You can teach yourself to turn those thoughts off and live in the moment. Ill have to explain it in more depth another day.
Another thing i need to change is my actions. Like stealing a red bull at the local supermarket everytime i go in there is not cool. I am seriously asking for trouble in doing that, so why do i do it? Same with lying, i dont want to do it, but its such a second hand defense now to any question im asked.
I find myself rambling tonight but i cannot help it. Even though i am struggling with things in my life right now, in addition to the ones i mentioned, i just keep trying to do the next right thing, to the best of my ability, that is. Have a good night.

We want you to be happy, come step outside your room.

I am once again so upset right now. You never see a good thing til its gone, you never see a crash til its head on. I lost RK and he has already found a new girl FOUR DAYS LATER. i mean come on why does every guy i talk to dump me for another girl FOUR DAYS LATER. That doesnt even give me a chance at anything. I think this is where i must find it in myself to start drawing the line.
I know what i want and dont want from a guy and the minute RK took me to get a smoothie and i had to pay, i should of stopped it right there. I am a very independent person and i like to be in charge of myself but dont offer to take me to get a smoothie and make me pay, thats just rude. Anyways this whole situation is making me pissed at my mom and fight with her more cuz i feel like its her fault and its just bad. I need to get my mind off of petty shit and realize more the things that are important in life.
Like how gorgeous it is outside. Im going to go hiking and tanning with my best friend and im so excited to. I need a break from all this 'drama' that i am undergoing right now. To break away and be able to relax and talk about deep meaningful shit again, shit that matters, that is inspirational, that is worthy of even talking or writing about...

When life is hard, you have to change.

So its 2 a.m. and I feel like I'm starting a new day. A new beginning, with a much better outlook on life. I just had such an amazing night hot tubbing with MH after my meeting. We had such a deep intellectual conversation that got me so inspired and thinking.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It is also insanity when you put up with the same thing repeatedly and do nothing about it. So I love how in life when you dont like something you can change it. From your appearance to actions to goals you can modify them. I am so grateful that if i dont like my body i can exercise to make it look better, and if a certain behavior of mine isn't working in my life i can change it. Like the lying for example.
How can one lie destroy so much that is built over a period of time? I am still so eaten alive by my lie to my mom and RK on Thursday. I am still suffering the consequence, and its never happened to me before. Coming off drugs i am finding more and more that i have a conscious. That i truly and deeply care for everyone in the world around, and as much as i may be only one person and insignificant to the world, i am significant to the people around me, in my life. My actions can affect others.
The only thing i can do is work on myself. If i just keep doing the right thing, even though it may be the hardest, i can begin to feel better about myself and the people around me that trust and have faith in me can feel better about being around me too. I am so grateful that even at times, when i think i have nothing, i still have things. I have a higher power that loves me and is always looking down on me, and i have myself. I am also grateful today that i have a best friend, a true friend that is always there for me, like i always wished for. MH is awesome, she gets me thinking about things that really matter to me.
In the rooms, whether i talk to some people or not, i have compassion for everyone, and i feel what other people are feeling if that makes any sense. When someone is struggling, my heart goes out to them for we are all one. We are all connected in being human. We arent perfect, we make mistakes.
I thank my higher power for giving me freedom to live and make my own choices, and i can learn from my mistakes and that he is a forgiving god to allow me to move on and not have to sit in the shit i create sometimes. I want to move on. I want to live my life to its fullest potential and only do the things I am truly passionate about.
Like whatever happened to my goal of being a veterinarian, of being a photographer for the national geographic, of being a columnist, of being a singer/guitarist/songwriter. Why cant i have those dreams again?
Growing up i saw how materialized the world was around me and how little people appreciated what they had. I didnt though, i just saw the world as such a beautiful place it made me feel beautiful inside. It was all destroyed after i drank for the first time. I began to lose appreciation for everything that made me smile and laugh so dearly. I began loosing sight of the world and began finding it mundane and dull. I wanted to break away from it.
I thought my solution against society's conformity, ignorance, and dullness was through drugs. I began isolating myself and i thought i was enjoying my life, high and carefree. Everything seemed like a fairytale. But in the end i only found misery. I can not survive in a conquered world without being conquered myself. I have to be a productive member of society to survive. That's what im learning to do, how to be a part of society without compromising who i am. Is it wrong that i feel i feel this way?
Its a battle and a struggle everyday for me. Thats where my addiction calls to me. My addiction tells me to use so i can escape, escape reality where things cant always go my way and be beautiful all the time and be in my own world where i make my own rules and can be who i am however i want. Where it is beautiful all the time. But of course once you take the drugs away, you go right back into reality and it just gets shitter and shitter.
This is because you begin to live your life trying to survive in a world that doesnt exist, a drug world. In the mean time, your reality is progressing worse. Some never get out of the fairy tale and wind up in jails, institution, and others die. Using drugs takes a way a part of your soul every single time you go out and use. Until your left with no understanding of reality- of who you are and where you are going. You love the drug with all your heart, but it will never love you back.
Have a good night..

When all you do is tell your lies, your killin me inside.

I am so upset right now. How can one lie deteriorate so much that is built over a period of time? I need a meeting right now. I wish it was 10 pm already.
I was building trust with my mom and one lie tore it all away. I was building trust w RK and one lie tore it all away. I lied to my mom about where my cell phone was on thursday. It was really with RK. I also lied to RK about my most recent hook ups and they're both mad at me.
But this time its different, like Im not getting away with it this time. This time i am suffering the consequences. My mom is not talking to me the same and RK isnt either. Am i really off of the pink cloud ive been sitting on for the last two weeks and i havent faced that fact yet. I havent called my sponsor either. Why do i do this to myself?
Well im leaving with MH to the meeting, ill see you when i get back...