Thoughts are constantly running through my head. Some are good, some are bad, but overall my thoughts drive me crazy. I am constantly told in the program I don't have to act on my thoughts and feelings but I do them anyways. I know today that there are consequences for every action one will take. Even if it doesn't come right away, it will. That's why when you take bad action, u will suffer in time. When one takes good action, you will eventually be rewarded.
Yesterdays service in church was about having patience for your rewards in life to come. My pastor said that god listens to every one of our sincere prayers and just because he won't give us the things we want in life in our time, doesn't mean we're not going to get it. It all revolves around his time, life on life's terms, on god's terms, not ours.

9-13-10

Okay so ira 1030 am and its already a good day. I feel independent and free and on my own. I woke up, took the bus myself without complaining to anybody, and actually made it to school early.it just so happens that I walk into my 930 math class and who else but my friend E and JK from narcotics anonymous come into my class! I just finished talking to JK and we re both free from classes from 1045 to 145 and we re going to hit up the noon meeting together. Everything just happens to be falling into place. Oh and E said he will start driving me to school so I don't have to take the bus anymore. I just feel that I keep doing the right thing and god is blessing me more and more.
I talked to my old best friend BM last night and I'm back in touch w my friend LB, and its such a relief. Like I love having na and people that get my emotional aspect of life but it feels so good, to be back w some people that know me from before, during, and after my using, and whom I can still connect to on an spiritual and physical level. Not sexually I'm talking about, but in living a similar life to what I have at home.
Like I just feel that my friends from na don't have boundaries. I know they're working on themselves still and I fit in with them spritually, but they don't understand me when I get really deep into things. Like w my old friends I could talk to them for hours about life and crazy shit, and with my na friends I haven't been able to have that spiritual connection w them only emotionally they get me, but that's it. And its a shame but its life.
The thing I hate about na is that god forbid I talk to someone that uses. I hate that, people that are considered normal are just as much a person as us. They have feelings just like us and go theough shit, and they live a life not surrounding themselves with drugs, cuz they don't obsess about them. I don't know after hanging out w LB, I realized so much and I don't have resentments to 'normal people' anymore. I actually am able to associate w them again. I'm not isolating and its cool. I'm opening up to my family more thanks to LB and I'm happier.

9-9-10

Today is a strange day, and its not just the weather- its me. I'm like really tired and depressed cuz I'm really sick and it sucks. I might have a throat infection or probably even something worse. I guess that's what you get for being 20 years old and smoking almost a pack a day for six freaking years. My immune system sucks from the things I did in my past and everytime I get sick it lasts for weeks and I hate it. I just want the sun to come out and its warmth to make me feel better.
Since yesterday I have been thinking a lot about my life. It was the first day of school and it brought me to realize a bunch of things. First is that I sneak and lie too much. Second is that I have too many expectations. And third, I need a better job and to start caring about my future.
All my life I have only wished for one thing- to have internal and sincere happiness. I want to obtain that happiness from nothing in life except for the fact that I am alive and breathing. I know I can't always be happy and there will be times where I'm sad and angry but I want to be okay even when I'm going through those emotions. I know today I am not happy because I am so guilty from lying, sneaking, and even from stealing. It doesn't make me feel good about mayself. I know I have to do esteemable things to build my self esteem and hopeful I will start doing that AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Its so hard for me to change I struggle with that the most but I need to start growing up if I expect to move forward and have a future.
I'm glad that school has started for me, it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere FOR ONCE. But at the same time I am feeling a lot of shame from being out of school for a year and a half. I know though I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in life and I can only move from there.

I heard it said over and over again since i came into the program that my drug addiction, this disease, is physical, mental, and most importantly spiritual. My disease corrupted those three aspects of my life. The mental and spiritual really got to me.
I was at a point where I thought i was insane, i mean i still am insane. But i was bad. I was convinced of all kinds of crazy things. I was being such an analytical thinker coming up with these theories on god to the world ending that it was driving me nuts. I was asking all the questions that there are no answers to and i believed i could figure them out. I was so torn up mentally that i didnt want to be a part of society anymore. i thought it to be controlled, not real, with no free will. As if we were all programmed to ignore and be blinded to life, its true meaning. and be set out to do what we were brainwashed as children. To go to school and college, get a career and married, to have a house and a family, and then die. And knowing that everyone's dream in the world is to have exactly those things, i couldnt have that. Yeah we might want a different car than the next person or choose to not get married and have kids, but even so, our choices are limited. I was so convinced i could and would break away from society, that i quit my job and even planned on dwelling in some forest, living off whatever nature could give me.
I have learned today to accept that i need to be a part of society to exist on this planet. I do hate the fast pace that technology is leading our lives, trying to race against speed and time and communication. I am totally hypocritical though because i am obsessed with my blackberry and rushing to get things done to move to the next. I dont know i just know that i was super crazy when i was using and im still a little crazy today, but i can live with that. Its an improvement.
One thing that i do know that really affected my life was the spiritual deprivation from my disease. I was numb, i was cold. I didnt believe in anyone or anything but my drugs. I couldnt even believe myself. All i did was half ass everything, trying to go around pleasing everybody while still trying to sneak the things i wanted. It was a mess. I was completely self centered, always trying to benefit myself and my ego. Whether it was through sexual relationships, gaining sympathy, or any kind of attention. I could never have enough. I was saying and doing things i never thought id do. My actions never followed my tongue. I couldnt even take responsibilty for my actions. I could accept that it was me who failed out of school myself, that i chose to do drugs, that i had gotten pregnant. Because just putting the blame on me in those few examples alone would of meant that i had a problem. That my addiciton was surrounding me with chaos that i couldnt accept responsibility for. I didnt want to accept it, becuase i knew it would of meant the end of my drug use.
It got to a point where i had to be fucked up all the time. Nothing mattered but chasing that next high before the other one subsided. I could not face reality and what my using what taking away from me. It robbed me of my friends, family, and puppy. I lost the ability to love and care sincerely for others around me. Most importantly i lost myself. I had lost the ability to laugh and smile because my life was nothing joyous anymore. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to die. I didnt think i could ever go anywhere in life, and that i would just do drugs until i die because thats what i was put on this earth to do. Well i believed that at the end of my using. Nothing could go right, because the things i had wanted were impossible, selfish, and immoral, and my high power would not give them to me. I hate him for that, i hated him when i was using.
I am clean today for i believe 40 days and its definitely nothing to brag about, but its something im proud of. Even though my life is still unmanageable, its so much more manageable than it was before. Im at a point where my life is just on a pink cloud. Well not exactly my life, just me. Yeah when i was using, the highs were awesome, they were great, dont get me wrong. But the amount of suffering and harm it caused me and the people around me was pure insanity. i am an addict, it is my wanting each and every single day to get high, and i have heard that i will suffer with that for the rest of my life. if it were by my willpower i would be waking up to a line of coke, maintaining wired all day, and going to bed with my herioin. That is why in the program you are taught to turn your life and will over to your higher power. so glad i am free from the chains that bound me to those drugs today. I am free from the obsession of using and now its just a choice. I have a choice each and every day to pick up a drug and so far i have chosen not to. I have no reason to. Not for anger, happiness, or sadness. I know today that once i pick up a drug again, all bets are off and i will be back to the races and do i want to have to piss another 6 years away again? absolutely not. I dont think i would make it out alive.

Uh one thing ’bout music: when it hits, you feel no pain.

Okay so i dont know how im feeling right about now. Im honestly like numb to everything and everyone. Music saved my life tonight and kept me sane but thats all i know. Hopefully ill have my feelings back tomorrow. Fuck my life, im working tomorrow too. Ugh Have a good night.

It's such a waste to be wasted in the first place.

before ever using i knew it was bad without being told. BUt once i started i never stopped. the reality of what i was doing to myself just disappeared and it was all about the feeling i was getting from being high or drunk. i was numb and thats all i wanted.
i couldnt stop because i was at a point i didnt want to. i had drowned myself too deep in my drug life that whenever i didnt drink or use i had no reality to face because it was gone, i had destroyed it all. i couldnt face what i had done to myself and that was my motivation to keep using.
to just keep numbing the pain and not facing the fact that i lost my family, my dreams, my ambitions, my higher power, everything that was important to me. But i found the program through fear of death. i was at a point where i wanted to die but i could never bring myself to do it because i couldnt face what god would do to me.
But the freaking program saved my ass it really did. i learned to freaking live again. and todasy its alot different. i get to work on the things in my life i dont have. i have ambitions. i was just at church tnoight and my pastor asked us what we believe is the meaning of our reaking lives and why are we re freaking here, i mean it has to be for a reason.
i think we are all just strong people to be able to go another fricking day clean. and we can help others through the program the way we were helped off the ground
i lost everything i ever had a i have to start from the bottom now. from a crappy college to a garbage car but im happy and frateful my higher power is giving me anything. But today i know i really am starting to deserve things. i try to pray as often as i can to go this prayer " thanks for the things you have given me, the things you havent, and the things to come." and i truly mean it.

Everything changes, but beauty remains.

I love waking up each and every morning to a brand new day, a fresh start. Life can be so lovely when u just live on life's terms not yours. I know today that I can't get what I want when and how I want it. So today I'm working on not having expectations so that I never have to be let down
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I think I set myself up sometimes. I have convinced myself, maybe its cuz I was raised in a broken home, that nothing lasts. That everything has its end in life and your just supposed to emjoy the moments u have because as life passes everythug just becomes memories.
im at long branch now and my friends from na met up w me here and im so happy. everything just seems to keep going good and working out each and every day and im happy. i know the longer i stay clean the more god will continue to bless me. I just hope he doesnt take things from me. I especially dont want to lose my friends or CL right now. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. It helps keep my mind off the fact that i lost MH. I do miss her and i feel bad because she did so much for me, and what was i to her? Just a pain in the ass i guess. It a shame to feel like youre that to other people. I dont know.
I hope one day i can be someone to bring light into the lives of others. Thats who i was before the drugs came into my life. My ex of three years TR, his dad used to call me little miss sunshine. Ill never forget that time he banged his knee into a table and said that if it happened to me i would of just smiled. I miss TR and everything i had with him. He was my one true love and i can only pray that one day i will feel like that again.

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears, let it fill my soul and drown my fears.

So today is a new day. I still feel really depressed but I'll be home tomorrow and I'm excited.I'm getting a new phone because they don't have anymore curves. I'm upgrading to the blackberry tour which I don't know how I feel about that.
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So I'm really enjoying myself at the beach right now. I was playing soccer with jack Jared and Andy and it really helped. I'm just a little sad cuz of my phone breaking, of mom always being mad at me, at the fact my financial aid still hasn't been processed, the fact Im not getting a car, the fact that I'm once again committed and it's going to hold me back. I'm also really upset because I just feel that the kids I babysit for are growing up so fast and I'm on this vacation and the parents don't really need me anymore. I think the parents are realizing it too. Like Lou doesn't even let me be alone in the water w Josh. What good am I here? I think I just want to be needed by someone, to be wanted.
I want to be good and be doing good and have my life together so I can help someone else. I was so upset last night I was going to use my concerts but I didn't. I have completely taken my medicine proper except I missed taking my sleeping mess last night. I think I'm doing much better. I'm celebrating when I get back and I'm excited for it.
I wanna see NM CL and MA but I don't want to see anyone else. I think I just don't want to face reality kinda. I don't know. I wish I had mt phone I'm not getting til freaking Wednesday.
I just have alot on my mind and alot of responsibility I need dad and mom right now. I know i can't do everything alone.

I try to be not like that, but some people really suck.

everything and everyone sucks right now i really cant say it again. im just done w life. im over it. im in such a bad place i freaking want to kill myself. i just have the worst life and the worst luck i dont know what to do. i have been trying to stay positive no matter what but im at my breaking point. I didnt even pay attention at my meeting tonight i dont know what i shared about i am just so annoyed and angry at everyone.
my family wants to kill me because my cell phone is broken and there is nothing i can do about it. i have to wait until my dad comes back from portugal now and i want to freaking shoot someone.

And if there's one little answer to this complication, someone somewhere, help me settle what is on my mind.

When i was using i had nothing but the drugs. It was everything for me, it had my heart, my soul, my life. It took away my laughter, my smiles, my feelings. I was hopeless only filled with fear and misery when i wasnt high. I thought that drugs were the only thing that brought substance into my life. It gave me friends and the materialistic things i thought i wanted. But in it all i lost the things that mattered most. I would be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest girl in the world, it killing me. It wasnt until i was sick of being afraid, sick of being numb, sick of trying to stop on my own did i take my first step into coming into the program. I was out of my house for two days without a place to go and i decided to check into an intensive outpatient program as a slide by to get back home. There was the first time i was able to talk.
Talk to people that felt that same way i did. Talk about how i truly felt about the people in my life and how i felt about myself. I was first told there about meetings and getting a sponsor and it all seemed like nonsense to me. In the outpatient program i relapsed and was sent into my first detox. In the waiting room there to get in, there was another girl who was waiting to go in too. She didnt feel like she belonged there but i told her i did. I told her i knew there was something wrong with me because i could be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest girl in the world. I told her i didnt know what else to do but use thinking it would solve all my problems, yet i still felt like that. The girl started crying histerical in front of me and told me she felt the same way. That was the beginning for me.
I didnt take the rehab seriously but when i got out i went back to my outpatient program and my first meeting. i remember sitting down in the meeting and this girl Gillian was speaking and said that the way i felt now i would never have to feel again. I would never have to use again. And it hit me hard. Throughout the entire meeting people shared their experience, strength, and hope that the program had given me. That was the solution, Narcotics Anonymous.
As much as i have been coming into the program for a year now, i have been struggling to stay clean. I have had to face some of the hardest things i believe i have ever gone through. For most of them, i have conquered them clean. It has only made me stronger knowing i can actually go through things sober. Because no matter what i go through, i know i will be okay. Time takes time, but it allows us to heal and only build our character from the way we handle those situations. I have learned that. I also know that the more i keep coming to this program, for me, it has gotten easier.
Narcotics anonymous has given me so much in my life. Even though at times i hate the program and the people in it, i still need it. i still need you. It has given me my life back. I have my smiles, my heart, my feelings back. I can care and love others the way i always wanted to be treated. I can strive for my goals today. I know today there is only one solution and that is the program. Going to meetings, having a sponsor, and doing esteemable things. There are times where i dont have to motivation to go on, but the program has kept me going.
Its easier said than done, but at the same time, the best things in life are never easy. You have to work for it, own it. believe it, and have faith. Faith that you are somebody no matter what people tell you. You are worthwhile. You have a God that cares and loves you no matter what, always giving second chances. You have yourself when your clean. Even though there are times when i dont like myself, i can accept who i am today. I can be self aware without hiding and masking behind the drugs. Staying clean allows me to work on my character defects and just be the person i want to be and love internally.
I have always been told i am strong throughout my entire life, but today i feel it within myself. I know if i put the work into it and keep trying i can do this. I can stay clean. I can live the life i have always dreamed of. I thank god whenever i can for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come. And i truly believe that.

Under the blue light in the sky, my empty pages are filling up.

Im so annoyed right now. I have four cigarettes left and its only tuesday! What the hell am i supposed to do for the rest of the week!? I dont know ill figure something out i always do.
So im in an online meeting right now and they just recited this quote, "There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories are full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke those hearts was taking away its dream- whatever that dream might be." I remember a time where i was full of dreams. I wanted to be a veterinarian, get married, have kids, go to an awesome college, lots of animals, have my prince charming, and this big house with a tower where my bedroom would be, have the best friends, but most importantly the internal happiness. I was so young and had so much in life to believe in. My parents were married, gave me everything i wanted, teaching me that i could be or have anything in the world. The problem was as i got older, i started to become internally conflicted as the life around me started to crumble. My parents went through a brutal divorce and my mom took her anger out on me and my sister. My parents began using us only to find ways to get back and hurt each other. The love in my family disappeared only to be replaced by broken hearts and a broken home.
My dreams began to fade even before i ever picked up that first drug. I still had hope that they could happen, but i was starting to give up. I didnt know what to do until one day I remember being 13 or 14 sitting at the top of my staircase at home crying and i decided i would from that moment on do what i wanted whether it was right or wrong because then i would find my internal happiness. And i did.
I began breaking away from my family. I became anorexic, i was lying, manipulating, stealing. As I entered high school, i was already feeling hopeless and believed that my dreams would never be realized. I was so scarred by my life at home i began to believe that the world was hopeless. I started to use and believed that i had found my internal happiness. That i had found my prince charming, my true love, that it had everything i wanted. I would use to a point where i was in another world, and i was happy and didnt have a care in the world. Not for my family, not for my dreams, not for myself. Everytime i came back into reality i hated it and couldnt stand myself and my life. So i kept using and using until i never had to face reality, always escaping. I gave up my dreams, losing the one person i loved, my faith in God, my life at home, my college, my friends, my family, but most importantly myself. I had nothing left but the fear of death to keep me alive. I was too scared to die because i knew i could never face god the way i was.
I finally got to a point where i had enough. I was kicked out of my house a second time, having not only been back home for two months. I was so desperate i stayed at the house of an ex that had ruined me and hurt me so much, but he was all i could manipulate for a place to stay at the time. I realized that i needed help and i couldnt do it alone. So i went to my first rehab and it changed me. Was it powerful enough to move me completely? no but it gave me hope. I have been in recovery for a year now, and i have never tried so hard in my life. I dont know what it is from the rooms but i just keep coming back no matter what. I know in my heart today that my dreams have changed, but i still want that internal happiness. I have always had that little bit of hope for the last year that if i just keep doing this and trying that god will see me for the true me and all that i am, a good person.
And maybe, just maybe he will reward me with that internal happiness i have always dreamed for. An internal happiness from nothing but from just being alive and having a higher power in my life that loves me no matter what and has always given me more chances.

There's a future to this life and it burns in the night.

So another day at the beach house. Oh if you didnt know, i came down the shore with the family that i babysit for on saturday. Im here until next saturday. This really is the break i need. I took LD, she's two years old, in the pool with her life jacket on and i enjoyed myself. Its funny because all i wanted to do was watch the kids and tan until she came in. But i did go in the freezing pool with her because i know it would make her happy. Well and because its my job too. She was so happy, it made me happy. Also earlier this morning i was watching JD playing video games and the younger brother JD, whos four, woke up, came to me on the couch, and laid next to me. Hes so cute, i love him and i know he loves me too. I wish the boys never had to grow up and i could babysit them forever.
This makes me want to question what i want to do with my life. I think between teaching, daycare, restaurant management, or help animals in someway. But im also good at biology and technology and would love to get into a computer programming field. I dont know. I just feel so much clear headed being here. I know what i want today and im ready to reach for it. I want to focus on myself, i need to, otherwise i will be going in and out of rehabs bullshitting around for the rest of my life. Im just sick of the games that my addiction plays on me and im over it, im not listening to my fucked up thinking anymore.

We can build a brand new world, and have another way.

i am like at peace today. im so glad that i am away from everything and down the shore for the week. I can see clearly all the things i never paid attention to. i am finding my strength to overcome the things that i have been suffering so much over.
I am seeing outside the box of all the drama within the rooms and im fighting it. Im staying away but i am also standing up for myself which i never do. I always just go with the flow and do what people want but not anymore. I was selfish in my addiction but now im going to be selfish in my recovery. I am going to do me and only me. I see others struggling to do that but i am at a part of my life where i have overcome that struggle.
I have been coming to the rooms for a year now almost and im ready. I am ready for a new life filled with faith, hope, and inspiration. I am willing to do whatever it takes to exceed in my life and not care about others. I am sick of being a people pleaser, of pretending to be someone that im not, of dealing with sick people, some that are sicker than others. I know that i am sick too but at least im self aware. Today someone told me that they could say so much shit to me but why do i care? what could they possibly say to me that i dont already know. duhhh. I know what's right and wrong but sometimes i am impulsive and just do what i want regardless if its moral or not. Its definitely something i know and need to work on. Im sorry to everyone that i have hurt for my impulsive actions, but i have always done and its a working progress to change, its not going to happen overnight.

i got that rock and roll, that future flow.

im just sitting outside my deck right now smoking a cigarette and thinking. is it bad that im sitting around thinking right now? im just so in my head projecting on the future. I mean i truly dont see anything going for me its almost depressing. But at the same time i dont want anything, you know. I want to be happy and thats it. I dont want to find happiness in anything in life. I want to be happy from nothing and no reason. i can honestly say ive only ever found happiness in being in love but i dont want that this time. All this thinking is making me miss my ex TR. Three and a half years and i never appreciated him. Just like i never appreciate anything. Im just scared though because what if that love that we had is as good as love will ever get too. Im just finding everything overrated right now. Everything but getting high. I kinda want to. Music keeps me sane thank god for it.
Im just realizing that i want to be normal and i know i can be. Not as a using drug addict, not as a recovering addict. Just a normal person who puts their past behind and just moves on. i dont want to be remembering everyday the things that i did with drugs by going to meetings and "keeping it green." i just want to move on from this irresponsible reckless phase and be mature, like a fucking adult. i dont want to meet the right guy and be like, "uh yeah i did mad drugs and im recovering from them." Like thats not me, i am over it. Im over the whole using drugs and im over going to meetings to "recover" from drugs. Im ready to go out and make normal friends at college and have a solid group of friends and just be able to have self displine and go out and enjoy myself and my life.
i dont know where life will take me but i know its past the drugs and its past the rooms. I am so glad im leaving tomorrow with the kids on vacation in Avalon. I really need a break from the chaos and just to be around normal people and mentally prepare myself for school. That's my only goal right now, to make it to school everyday and to do it to the best of my ability. That's all i want. ANDDD a car lol. i dont know im always saying i dont know but because i really dont know. I go too much w the flow and what everyone else wants but what about what i want. Im over having sex with anyone or anybody. I want to do it with someone i love and thats it. I know its never been meaningful for me but why does it always have to be like that. I changed my mind i dont want to get high, and the only reason i said that is because i just want to take a break and CHILL. im excited for school to start and who knows where it leads me. Pray for me.

He's the wanderer looking for his long lost home, he's only got one place to go...

So i know i havent written in a while and alot has happened but i cannot dwell on the past so its whatever. To sum everything up KM dicked me over and started dating RK. TW said he hates me and i havent seen him in weeks. In all honesty im flad cuz it has helped me to get over him, not that im honestly there yet. I still think i have resentments for being dicked over. My sister went to Italy and back and just left yesterday to DR and will be back Saturday. I finished summer classes and got an A in Religions and a B in English, which im so proud of. Ooooo also, im getting a car before daddy goes away on August 11th !!!
I am at a place in my life where no one can bring me down but myself. Its my own actions that affect my feelings and not what others due to me. I havent felt the need since thursday (lol i would remember the day) to surround myself with drama and all the petty bullshit. My head and fucked up thinking gives me enough drama, nevermind others. Today i am really grateful to be clean. i need to call my freaking sponsor before going to bed thank god i just remembered.
Okay so i havent had a cigarette since friday but i still cant quit. Ill prob have to sneak out on my roof and have one before bed tonight. I cant believe i have to still sneak it from my family. Im twenty years old !!! Believe it or nottt. I know im still kid hearted but i like it that im 20 and can still enjoy life like im 14 again. More and more each day im becoming more outgoing and more able to put myself out there and its awesome. Im blossoming awwwwww jk.
The thing is my mind always tries to fill me with doubt and have expectations with others and it only leads to disappoint. Thats why i dont expect anything from anyone anymore, i expect whatever happens to be whatever i dont let it even phase me. So i also am learning my lessons from self sabatoging myself. Like i have been talking to Someone going through a rough time themselves but like i told him i couldnt anymore cuz honestly i would only be hurting him and myself! Why would we want to do that to ourselves?! i know there are feelings involved and sexual frustration but this is all teaching me self control and self discipline and im loving myself for it.
okay so my laptop battery is about to die so i will either write tomorrow or after i smoke a cigarette. Paaaace.

We'll stand together until the very end

today i woke up really down on myself. I dont think im obsessing over the whole TW thing, in fact im handling it quite well, better than i ever have with any guy situation. I think its normal to still be hurt within a week of it happening. Im not too worried about it because usually the time i am with a guy, if he dumps me, im usually over him in half the time i was with him. SO i was only with TW for a month so ill be over it in two weeks. One more week to go!
Anyways, i stole two things today. I feel kinda guilty about it. I was bummed out because after doing the second pickpocket i realized i wasnt doing the day to the best of my ability. What a downer on myself it was. But i bounced back up and had an amazing day at work again. Third day in a row since i have been trying to truly change and it feels good. I am going to work excited to be there instead of being all puss about it. Its to a point where i dont want to leave work, like at all. I dont know as much as i get paid only 8.60 an hour which is jack shit, i like what i do. I like working in retail.
I just wish i got a better salary or something because i feel for the work i do, i should be getting alot more. I mean come on its only been two days of doing good at work and im already expecting more. Typical addict. Just like i dont lie to my mom once and i expect to be trusted even though im about to lie again. Its funny how fucked up our minds work, theyre like a thing of their own, and its pretty intense sometimes.
I am learning through prayer today that its when i can be most honest. When you cant find honesty in anything you say or do, in prayer you can always honest. Because youre praying to a higher power that you know is forgiving and loving no matter what you say or do. Well that is for my god anyways. I do believe at the same time though that when your only praying for a relief of your consciuous god doesnt listen to that bullshit. only when u speak from the heart and in honesty are your prayers answered.

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i just came home from babysitting and im really down on myself, AGAIN. Im just sick of na and really want to give them a piece of my mind. i think this whole TW thing fucked me over more than im playing it out to be. I might be in relapse mode and i dont even know. sometimes i am totally in it and sometimes i manage to pull myself together, by gods grace. like in my summer classes at bergen all i have to do is tell my friend JQ to come get me and i can use. i could call him right now to pick me up and he would. i just wish i had a car its bothering me ALOT. its been eight months. i wish i could go to a fucking meeting whereever i want right now. then i wont have to pretend to like certain people and be fake with them just so they can give me rides. I miss real people, i miss being able to have deep conversations about life with real people and being able to smoke a blunt and chill.
God damn it i need MH right now. i dont know what i am doing right now without her. im going insane right now. im so fucked up. my head is fucked. i just have to make it through the night right now and ill be fine. I just need to make it til tomorrow morning at 915 am where grace will be picking me up and taking me to a meeting and everything will be okay. but what the fuck will a meeting do anyways?! its all backstabbing high school drama and bullshit all over again. everyone is fake and has the word fucking asshole across their forehead and its too much. I am having really bad anxiety and i havent even had anxiety in a while.
Maybe im doing it again, being paranoid, thinking everyone is fucked up and out to get me and each other but isnt that how life always is? dont we not look for anything other than our own wellbeing? i mean we re fucking addicts, at the end of the day it doesnt matter shit what weve done cuz we only truly care about ourselves and our wellbeing. i dont know this shit spot better go away or im going to go crazy. Im going to take my sleeping meds now, smoke a cigarette, and not stay up cuz it might seriously kill me right now.

Cant never count me out, ya'll better count me in...

After last night ive just been different. I went to high focus alumni night and i truly got something out of it. I shared my opinion about how important the program is for me. I shared my experience strength and hope for others in the the room. Whether or not everyone got something out of it, it didnt matter for me. i got something out of it. I spoke from the heart and it felt good to do that.
i woke up this morning wanting to be the best that i can be and so far today i have done that. I am proud of myself. As much as i am hurt by the whole thing with TW it has only made me stronger and more confident. I know what i have to offer others today, and they can take it or leave it. But most importantly i will always have what i have to offer. i am who i am and even thought im still getting to know me i like me so far.
After what i did on monday night, i didnt feel good about myself. When i was using i would of been proud but today doing malicious things dont make me feel good about myself, especially when im using my body. I want to be respected today not look at as a piece of ass. only in time, as long as i continue to stay clean, pray, and work on myself will i be able to respect myself and be respected.
i am starting to find out the things that i like doing. I am so excited my life is slowly but surely moving forward and that im growing. I have found that i have an interest in religion and my passion for history is coming back. I just cant wait to be at that point in my life where i know what im doing and where its going. I cant wait for the things God has to give me in the future. I can only pray and be grateful today for the things he has given me, the things he hasnt, and the things to come.
I also spoke with my sponsor for ten minutes today what a record. i told her everything from how im feeling to what i did on monday. Getting honest with myself and others is truly the first step i need to take in my recovery. its what i struggle with the most, but i know eventually i will be confident with myself and wont need to hide who i am and do what i want through lies.
I saw TW tonight at my friend CS's house. he didnt say a word to me. honestly im so hurt by it. i honestly put some of my feelings out there and just like that in one second it was all shattered for me. I ask god to give me the strength each and everyday since he ended it with me on sunday to get through these feelings. i know time takes time, and with that ill eventually be okay. I just cant hide behind my feelings anymore i need to face them. i just cant pick up no matter what and everything will be okay. Once i do that, all bets are off and there will be no hope for me. I dont know im struggling deep inside but i will be okay.
thank you god for everything you have given me and the things in my life you have for me in the future.

We all get burned, those who survive are the ones that learn..

So i havent journalled or blogged in so long. I guess alot has happened, not really though. Me and TW just broke up on Sunday and im kinda really hurt by it. I just didnt think it would happen right now. Everything was going really good, and im so grateful i kept my distance but i did put myself out there to an extent, and i was hurt. I am forced to sit with my feelings now and it freaking sucks. I hate it to be honest. I just know that if i can survive this clean i can do anything. One of my biggest triggers for relapse is relationships. So why do i continuously do this to myself? I dont really know. I need to start learning from my mistakes instead of saying i dont care and repeating them consistently.
Today i tell myself i am okay. But i really am okay today. My worst day clean still does not compare to my best day using and if i keep that in perspective i can continue to work through this addiction. I believe i have 66 days or so today and it is such a miracle. i am just looking forward to the day i can write my name and number for with those who have 90 days clean or more for the newcomer. I cant wait to start working my steps. i cant wait for the day that i could speak on my experience strength and hope with others that struggle just as i do. I cant wait to be able to commitments to help others. I cant wait to help others.

Coming out your mouth with you blah, blah, blah.

I broke down crying today. Its so wierd. For the last week or so i have been convincing myself im okay and trying to stay centered no matter whats going on. I just feel like im masking whats really going on with me inside. i know i cant use or anything because i have so much to lose. But at the same time i feel like i am so confused because i dont know who i am and i never know how im truly feeling about anything thats going on around me. Things are happening and im convincing myself im okay when im not.
I pulled the same bullshit when i was using. I was getting molested, getting in bad situations, getting taken advantage of and i would convince myself i was okay and that i could handle it. Those things werent okay, i know that today.And now im going through each day living the normal life, a clean life, and sometimes things dont always work out and yeah i should not overanalyze or be overdramatic but i should also be able to sit with my feelings above everything. What is it that i hate about myself so much that i cant be alone?
i dont know i might as well spill everything thats bothering me. I hate the fact that my sister is gone and im not missing her. I dont even care if she didnt come back, which is so evil on my part. Im so annoyed that my mom doesnt appreciate what she has and has to complain about everything. Im pissed off that i cried and made this huge thing, even talking to TW about RK being missing, and RK doesnt even give a fuck about me. He doesnt give a rats ass, he has no emotion whatsoever. Im mad at myself because i kinda am ruining things with TW now too. Im overanalyzing and taking myself way too seriously. But at the same time why shouldnt i take myself seriously? Thats what im struggling with.Im trying to find the medium between being promiscuous and self respect. Im trying to find the medium between independence and dependence. Im trying to find the medium between self control and letting loose. I always go from one extreme to the next and im never in the middle of it and it fucking sucks.
Like with the TW thing, im either all in it some days and other days i want to tell him to go fuck himself. And its for no apparent reason. I can also be really down for just having fun and enjoying his company but then i get so serious and debby down on everything. Some days im truly having feelings from him but then other days im legit just trying to fill a void. Like he said good night in the car and he would text me tomorrow but i want him to text me now. Because i cant even sit with myself and write about how im feeling. Then i want a boyfriend but i want to be able to talk to whom i want when i want. I mean how many more mixed signals could one guy take?!
I just really feel like i need to let go of the things that have happened and yeah i didnt sit with my feelings over them, but i need to start fresh. Like tomorrow is a new day, thank god, and im just going to start fresh with myself and from now on truly think, without overthinking, and sit with my feelings, without obsessing. Cuz just like with using, once i start overthinking and analyzing shit, all bets are off and im off to the races freaking out and making shit worse. Today was a good start though, i called my sponsor and actually cried to her about what i was feeling.
i think too much and get get all confused and hung-up running from thought to thought. It's because my fears are getting the best of me, and i dont want to mess up. But there comes a point where i need to stop worrying and start living- living in the moment, the here and now.

That's right baby, im going crazy.

I apologize for not having been writing but im in such a wierd place right now. I havent called my sponsor and i have been isolating. I dont think i want to use, but what else could it be? My sister is in italy, but she is safe. My mom is sick, but she is safe. But RK isnt safe. He was kicked out of his rehab, and they dropped him off at a bus stop without calling his parents. The bus only goes three ways- camden, pittsburg, and atlantic city. He got on the bus, that's all we know. What if he's dead right now? He only had $20 and his clothing, i mean what could he possibly do with himself. I bet he's scared right now, im so scared for him. Im crying just thinking that he might be hurt right now. His parents just want him home, i just want him home.
I suffer when others are suffering. I dont like to see people hurt and die because it makes me so upset. I dont know what else to say, im guilty because his mom said he talked about me to them sometimes and im busy starting something new and fresh with TW. Without the arguing, bickering, and backstabbing. It actually feels quite nice when im with him. Like last night. We went to his house and played spades. Instead of going to the night owls meeting, we had a meeting at his house, and it actually was quite liberating.
I was with MJ SM and his girlfriend also and its so funny how much we related to each other when we shared, and we helped each other out with whatever each of us are going through. I dont know all bullshit aside, i have been real testy lately and legit biting peoples heads off every time they try talking to me. I am okay, but i feel myself sinking down more and more. Im scared about it. Im losing my patience, humility, qratefulness. Im overall just down on myself. My mind is playing tricks on me making me believe everything is worse than it seems again, that i dont feel good about myself because my life sucks and i should pick up and use. This is a real test for me because i feel my head boiling up to a headache just thinking about using.
Whenever i have a headache it discloses two signs, i need drugs or a cigarette. Since i clearly cannot smoke because my mom is walking about here at home, im stuck suffering.
I dont know how much more i can handle before i go off the walls. Its going to happen one of these days, im going to lose it.